61. Sex & Intimacy in Relationships with Shamaree Brissett, Intimacy Coach
Listen & Subscribe on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Surabhi Veitch interviews intimacy coach Shamaree Brissett on intimacy, sex, and relationships. We explore how to build sexual confidence, and discuss Sharmaree's 5 categories to build sexual confidence, ditch shame, and kickstart intimate conversations with your partner.
We discuss:
Shamaree's Motivation to Become a Therapist
Shedding Shame & Guilt Barriers Around Sex
Building Sexual Confidence
5 Categories For Building Sexual Confidence: Body Confidence, Open-mindedness, Knowing Pleasure, Expressing Your Needs and Self-efficacy
What is Intimacy
Sparking Intimacy in a Relationship
“Earning” Pleasure as a Woman of Colour
Myths around Sex
How to work with Shamaree
Better Sex Course & Workbook
Helping BIPOC Women Find Confidence
Erasing of Social “Rules”
Shamaree Brissett Bio
Shamaree Brissett is a Marriage & Family Therapist turned Intimacy Coach and Relationship Expert. She specializes in empowering women to be fully uninhibited and fulfilled in their intimate and sexual relationships. Shamaree believes that everyone deserves genuine confidence, relationship satisfaction, and unlimited orgasms (if they want them!). She started Shamaree L.A.B. LLC in 2021, in order to expand her reach as a provider. At Shamaree L.A.B., she combines reliable support, evidence-based knowledge and experience along with accountability to help you obtain all that you deserve in relationships. As a sexual assault survivor, a modern Black woman, and a therapist she combines personal and professional experience to best serve her clients.
Connect with Shamaree & Important Links:
Follow Shamaree on Instagram @shamareelab or email: shamaree.brissett@gmail.com
Free guide: 69 Sex Questions to get you going and having better conversations with your partner: https://winning-knitter-7538.ck.page/6c495d03e9
Better Sex Course: https://shamareelab.samcart.com/products/bettersexguide
Better Sex Workbook: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BSZXHK13?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860
Connect with Surabhi:
Website: https://www.thepassionatephysio.ca
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Please note that the timestamps are slightly off as the podcast teaser and intro music occur before the start of the episode.
Surabhi: [00:00:00] Hey friends, and welcome back to another episode of Mom's Strength. I am so pumped to bring on a special guest today, Shamaree Brissett, who is a marriage and family therapist turned intimacy coach and relationship expert. She specializes in empowering women to be fully uninhibited and fulfilled in their intimate and sexual relationships.
And let me tell you, there are so many, there are too many women not living up to their fullest potential and. Restricting themselves from the pleasure that they truly deserve. So Shamaree believes that everyone deserves, deserves genuine confidence, relationship satisfaction, and unlimited orgasms if they want them.
I love that too. If they want them. Um, she started Shamaree, L A B L L C in 2021 in order to expand her reach as a provider at Shamaree l a b, she combines reliable support. Evidence-based knowledge and experience along with accountability to help you obtain all that didn't you deserve. In relationships as a sexual assault survivor of modern black women and a therapist, she combines personal and professional experience to [00:01:00] best serve her clients.
Welcome Shamaree. I'm so excited to have you here chatting today.
Shamaree: Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.
Surabhi: I actually resonate with so much of just even your intro, intro, your introduction. I'm a sexual assault survivor myself. Um, as a woman of color, there's been so many times that I didn't even recognize how limited, how much that limited me past experiences until like my thirties, right.
Until mm-hmm. I actually had kids and I was like, Whoa. I have so much to unpack. I have so much to process that I kind of just hit away. Mm-hmm. So I'd love to hear from you what got you into the work that you do. Um, yeah.
Shamaree's Motivation to Become a Therapist
Surabhi: What's your motivation to do your work that you do?
Shamaree: Oh, absolutely. So I think that I've always kind of been interested in relationships and, you know, middle school, everyone's like, oh, my boyfriend, this and that.
Like, I don't know what to do. And I always just loved to help people with their relationships. So like I've always You were the go-to? Yeah, I've always kind of been that way. Um, so like naturally I guess I was just drawn to doing [00:02:00] that type of thing. And so I decided in middle school I was like, oh, I'm gonna be a therapist at this time.
Never been to a therapist, never knew a therapist. But I just knew that that's what I wanted to do. I didn't even really know good what it meant in real life. But as I got older, when I went to high school and college and all of that, you know, started taking the psychology classes and I was like, oh yeah, this, I was right.
Like this is what I want to do. Nice. , but. It wasn't until grad school. And that's when my stuff started to bubble up. So while I'm learning to become a therapist, I'm learning about trauma, I'm learning about the different responses. I'm learning about all of that and how I can help people with that.
Right. And at the very same time I met my husband, um, he wasn't my husband at the time, obviously, but. He became my husband. Right. And so we began a relationship, , and it was more like friends with benefits, honestly. But he was like, uh, something's going on with you. Like, what's wrong? Like, what's.
There's something, there's this disconnect. What is this? And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. But like I said, I'm in grad school, I'm [00:03:00] learning all of these things. And once he mentioned it, I couldn't unsee it. Mm-hmm. And so it was then, this is like five, six years after the assault happened, but it wasn't until then that I realized, okay.
There's something here. And on and off throughout my whole entire twenties, I went to therapy. I've hired like sex coaches. I've done a lot of like my internal work, obviously, , being a therapist, like I have a lot of tools that, I utilize with clients that I was utilizing myself. Yeah. Um, and. It was during that process, I was looking for ideally a black woman to help me.
But any woman of color, right? So anyone who specializes in sex, sexuality, um, sexual trauma and all of those things. And at the time I was living in San Diego, this pre pandemic, so not a lot of therapists do the telehealth services. Like it, it wasn't as common. And obviously I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not.
Driving 30 [00:04:00] miles away. I'm sorry, I'm not gonna do that. Like, it's just not realistic for me. , and so I couldn't find anyone. There was no woman of color who had this specialty in the area that I was in. And wow. I got, I got help, obviously, but it just, I feel like I would've been better off with someone who had a little bit greater understanding of me culturally.
Surabhi: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And you know, it makes a massive difference, right? And I feel like, um, white folks often don't understand, understand that cuz they're like, but I'm a good therapist. I'm like, right for whom? Right. For whom are you? Good therapist. Yeah. And, um, same with me. When I was seeking therapy, there were so many, most therapists are white, right?
So I'm just like, mm-hmm. Okay. Who do I connect with? My therapist right now is black. She's a black woman and she. Is amazing at what she does. Mm-hmm. And I feel like there's a certain element of cultural understanding, respect, and, um, even discussion, open discussion about it. And I think that that like relates so much [00:05:00] to sexual health because depending on the culture, the religion, the family that you were raised in, that impacts what you, how you feel about yourself.
So, so back then, what year was this? You said you started your business in 2021. So this is pre pandemic.
Shamaree: Yeah, so this was prior to like when I was still trying to work out my own issue, so like maybe 2014 to like 2017, 18 ish around there. , and so I didn't find anyone that looked anything similar to what I looked like, who had a background that was anything similar to my background.
Um, but they were therapists, they had the training, so they were able to help, um, to an extent. Right? And so I couldn't bring a lot of the cultural impact. In, because then I'm just explaining like why I see things the way that I see why I move the way that I move in the world. Yeah. And so I had to leave that part of me out.
And I do not like that at all. Um, it's not helpful at all to leave parts of yourself out of [00:06:00] your healing. Um, and so that was really the biggest motivation because I mean, as an assault survivor, I'm like, I don't. Don't want to have constantly work with other people who have similar issues because that can trigger a lot in me, just as a human, because I'm a human first.
Yes. Um, and even in grad school, my very first client. Was a victim of sexual assault. And I'm like, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. And they're like, oh, well you have to.
I was just like, I'm not ready. I don't think that I am equipped. Um, I am, and I realized that over time, but like I fought against that for a long time. But having that experience of not finding someone that I felt like I needed at the time, I had to become that person so that other women don't have to go through what I went through or feel like they're leaving parts of themselves behind.
Um, and that they're not able to be their full self while they're working through difficult things.
Surabhi: I think that's so impactful for you to become who you needed. Um, [00:07:00] and then also you, you said San Diego, is that right? That area? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's a multicultural area too. It's, you know, which is, again, it's show goes to show you how limited sometimes the resources are, and it's like, Like the easiest way for listeners is like if you are a woman and all the therapists are male, so they don't understand a woman's perspective, and so you would just have to keep explaining why that something was offensive or sexist.
Like that's a lot of work. You shouldn't have to do that work in therapy, right? You should just have somebody who's the expert and mm-hmm. I hope that anyone who's listening who do does need support understands that Shamaree is there to support you. Now tell me a little bit about, What kind of work you do now and who you support?
Shamaree: Yeah, so now um, I moved away a little bit from the therapy just because I move a lot. I'm not even in San Diego anymore and I've moved twice since then. So I move a lot With therapy, you can only see people who are in the same state that you're licensed in and that just gets [00:08:00] a little muddy. When I move so much and I don't like leaving clients, I feel like high end dry, like, oh yeah, we've been working together for this amount of time, but by the way, I'm moving in a couple months.
Yes, see ya. So, I mean, I know it was hard to find me, but now you gotta go try to find someone else, right? And so I really don't like that. So with the coaching that I've started to do, I can see anyone technically in the world, and there's really no limitation on that. So if you feel drawn to me, you feel like I'm someone you can relate to, someone that can help you.
It doesn't matter where you're located. There's no limit on that. Obviously time restraints come into play, but literally there's no other limitations that we would've, we've, right? And so I've started to do that, and I primarily work with women. And it is usually like individual women. But obviously any work that you do as an individual, anything that you're doing to change or evolve as an individual is gonna impact your relationships.
So whether you're in a relationship, you're working towards becoming, uh, someone who's in a relationship or if you're leaving a [00:09:00] relationship, it doesn't really matter when it comes to the work that I do. Um, and I don't have like a group coaching program or anything. So everything's entirely customized, individualized to the person.
Yeah. Yeah.
Surabhi: And I, I, I think too, that removes the barriers. So, so many, so much of the time, we don't put our health in on priority because there's, it's too far, takes too long sitting in traffic or, oh, this therapist left. Like I remember even working as a physiotherapist in a clinic and when I'd go off on mat leave.
Or if, you know, if I left a clinic, all those clients mm-hmm. Are people like stuck. Right. Yeah. And that's what I love about virtual care. I'm, I also coach for that reason cuz I can see clients out of province, out of state, out of country, and yeah, it opens up the doors so that you can work with the clients who are best suited for you and vice versa.
Yeah. Um, that's, that's awesome.
Shedding Guilt and Shame Barriers Around Sex
Surabhi: And so I wanna know about how do you start to shed some of that. Those limiting beliefs that we grow up with, that we learn, [00:10:00] um, especially as women of color, like I'm Indian and. We never uttered the word sex in our household. Mm-hmm. We never talked about it. It was taboo. If there was a kissing scene on tv, my parents would change the channel.
Yeah. Like it was bad. And I, I thought I knew, I thought, okay, it's just my parents, but mm-hmm. Living in that household for 18 years, you absorbed that. Right. And I started to absorb that and, um, I started to notice I felt guilty kissing my husband in front of my kids, or I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Mm-hmm. And I'm like, Like, I'm conscious of it, but at the same time I'm behaving in a way. Yeah. That I feel like I'm ashamed about it. Right? Mm-hmm. And so how do you go about shedding some of these barriers?
Shamaree: Yeah, so I think it, a lot of it is obviously like the mental work that we have to do. So the mindset and really being able to challenge some of the things that we saw or accepted as normal.
Um, because that's a lot of what, like I did personally too, is just like, why do I think that this is normal? Like, [00:11:00] and, and being exposed to other things and you realize like maybe that's, it doesn't have to be normal. Like, I can change this if I wanna change it. And I think that when I was in middle school, The teacher said something to me, I will never forget.
I took it to heart and I ran with it. Um, but he was just saying to question everything. Hmm. And that, that simple statement just opened up something else in my mind. And like, I literally question everything. And so I still, obviously I'm a human, I still pick up things and I like kind of internalize them and sometimes it, it shifts how I behave or how I move.
Um, and now I'm a lot more aware of that. But even while I was working on myself throughout my twenties, I, I still had a lot of that shame. Um, the guilt. Um, And just not like feeling like I'm a sexual person. Maybe internally. Yes. Yeah. But not wanting to have that image outwardly Yes. Or how I [00:12:00] will be viewed.
Um, and so just being very, Aware of that, like hyper aware, like way too aware, like why do I care? Um, and so it was a lot of challenging myself. So like why does the, why does that matter? Where did I get that from? Um, and what was the motivation behind telling me these things? And I realized a lot. That's a good point.
There's, why are people telling you that? Just like I, yeah. A easy example I give clients all the time is like, okay, on the cosmetics ad, like a makeup brand, they're telling you, get this anti-aging formula because it's gonna get you buy their product. Right? So like being young is most beautiful because that's what's gonna get you to buy their product.
That's their motivation. It's not because they care. They don't care,
Surabhi: they don't care. They don't know you. They don't
Shamaree: care. So, so
Surabhi: thinking about, and, and they're promising something that you literally, like we are aging every as we speak, right? Like literally they're literally promising something you can't achieve.
So, People end up buying more of it cuz they're like, [00:13:00] oh, if I just get eight products that maybe that will work. Right? Mm-hmm. And so it's psych, it's psychology. Right? It's like twisting it to, and I love that you said question everything, because I don't think I questioned anything. Mm-hmm. I think I just accepted it as normal and I was like, well this is how it is for me.
Right. I, I can't be a sexual person because that's being bad. Or like, literally I'm wearing a tank top right now. Right? Mm-hmm. I couldn't show my shoulders in my home cuz shoulders were sexual and you're like, right. You're looking back on it, you're like, yeah. It's trying to control, right. Control women mm-hmm.
And control what, how they are. And, um, our sexuality is part of us and so when we hold that back, we are literally hiding part of ourselves away. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, and that. I resonate so much with that. It took me a while to, to unlearn that. And, you know, our society blames women for abuse, right? Oh, you, what were you wearing?
What were you doing? Why were you there? How much were you drinking? Yeah. And so even if you've never [00:14:00] experienced an assault, you still feel this pressure to like modify your clothing, your behavior, because what if, right? Or what if something happens? Yeah. Um.
Building Sexual Confidence
Surabhi: And can you talk a little bit about that? You know, how do you be a sexual, like how do you build your sexual confidence and mm-hmm.
Kind of show up uninhibited, right? What are steps to get there? What are some ways that we can start to build that practice of becoming more, you know, sexually free?
5 Categories For Building Sexual Confidence
Shamaree: Yeah, so I kind of, the way that I conceptualize it and work with my clients, I break it down into like five categories. Uh, and so, um,
1. Body Confidence
Shamaree: the first one is like body confidence.
And when I say that people are all like, well, I don't have my dream body, or we're like women, especially, we are constantly in a state of comparing ourself to whether it's someone else or even just the past version of ourselves where they were like, well, when I was in high school, School or when I was in college, I was, I had the perfect this and that and, and it's like, but at that time you [00:15:00] hated it too.
So yes. When yes, at what point is that gonna be different? Like when do we decide that it's okay, whatever it is, and just focus on other things. So like maybe you don't visually love it. Um, and we can work towards that and be closer to that, but also your body also functionality. And it's also what allows you to feel the pleasure.
So Right. You have to appreciate it in order to genuinely experience that pleasure. It's true. Because that's
Surabhi: big. That's, that's from, with my clients, a lot of postpartum women, they'll seek support because they wanna lose the weight. Mm-hmm. And lose, you know, get back to their old bodies. And that's an important question because they didn't like their old bodies anyway.
Right. But suddenly they wanna get back to that body that they used to hate on. Mm-hmm. And we, it's always like, you know, um, we look back with nostalgia. Oh, you know, I, I loved how I looked then, but back then we didn't feel that. Right. And I, somebody told me like, you're gonna look back at your, cuz I'm [00:16:00] in my mid thirties, you're gonna look back on this time when you're 50 and you're gonna be like, what was I worried about?
Right. Right. And I always think that, I'm like, I'm looking at my mom who's in her, you know, mid sixties and. She's, her hair's thinned out and you know, all of these changes happen as you get older. Mm-hmm. And she's happy with who she is and I'm like, why can't I also appreciate who I am now? So. Right.
That's been a practice for me, and that's something that I work with my clients on is seeking counseling around body image because mm-hmm. That is a big part of sexual confidence too. Yeah. So you said that was one of the five components. What are the other, mm-hmm. The other components.
2. Open-mindedness
Shamaree: So the next one that I like is open-mindedness.
So this is also very important because a lot of times we're human, it's gonna happen. I do it too. Like we make judgements about things before we give it a try. So people will be like, well, I would never do that. Like I'm not interested in that. Like try just to try something new. If you are saying what you've been doing, [00:17:00] you've been trying, you've been trying and it's not working, but you're not open to the idea that maybe you need to try something different, we're never gonna get anywhere.
Because you're gonna keep doing the same thing. It's gonna feel the same way. You're gonna think about it the same way. Nothing changes there. So being open, obviously you don't have to hang off the ceiling if that's not you, but just being open to try something different, being open to hear different things.
Um, so open-mindedness, super important.
Surabhi: And I do think that that also comes from a little bit of judgment of like what we think of, you know, when we hear somebody, let's say, hanging from the ceiling, we automatically think, oh, like what a, you know, X, Y, Z. We use that language to kind of Yep. Make them like demonize them.
Right? Yeah. So then when we secretly maybe have the same desire, we demonize that about ourselves too. So being open-minded mm-hmm. Both towards others and ourselves. I love that. I, I never considered that as, You know, an important aspect of it, but that is, that's such an important aspect of it. Mm-hmm.[00:18:00]
Mm-hmm. Um, awesome. So what's next?
3. Knowing Pleasure
Shamaree: So then after that it's knowing pleasure. And so this is very important too because I'll ask women, especially because men tend to know a little bit more of pleasure, but um, for women, some of them have no idea what they like. So like they'll say, oh, it's not good. I'm not having fun.
Or I, I, I've never had an orgasm or like, I feel like he doesn't care about my needs or this relationship. It's just I'm not happy. They're able to say those things and they know it. They fe they felt it for a long time. If you're coming to me, this is not the first day you felt it. Um, so Right. Yeah. This has been going off.
For a while, but then when you say, okay, well what is it that you do? Like, what is it that you do want? Like what things feel great for you? They don't know. Um, and I say for women especially, especially heterosexual women, because a lot of times men are the ones that are orchestrating the sexual experience.
So the, obviously they're gonna do what they like and that's. [00:19:00] Probably why they know a little bit more what pleasure is than women do. Um, but a lot of times women are just very passive. They're just there following along, so they don't know. And in order to truly feel confident and to feel like you're able to achieve pleasure, you need to know what it is.
Surabhi: Ooh. Oh my gosh. That is powerful. In order to achieve pleasure, you have to know what it is. Mm-hmm.
And, and there's so many ways to explore that, you know, from a pelvic health perspective. Even just having people look at their vulvas. Touch their vulvas not even from a point self pleasure, but just even touching. Yeah. So many people are grossed out by the idea and I'm like, I. Imagine you injure your shoulder or something doesn't feel right.
Would you ever like just say, I can't look at it. No. Right? Yeah, you would. You would be like, what's going on there? Right. But yet vulvas and our, you know, our genitals spring up this shame. And that is going [00:20:00] back to your first point about questioning. Where did you learn that message? Right. And questioning why that message is being sold.
Mm-hmm. Um, I love it. So the first point was body. Body confidence and knowing I missed one. Open-mindedness. Open-mindedness and knowing. Mm-hmm. That's right. Mm-hmm. And what's what, what are the last two?
4. Expressing Your Needs
Shamaree: So the next one would be expressing, expressing your needs. So being able to express it. So a lot of times people might know that they wanna try something like, oh, I would really love if he did this.
Um, but they're scared to say. Or they don't know how to say it. They're like, well, I'm, I'm worried about the response. So having the tools to express that, being able to say like, Hey, I would love if we could try this. Like, you know, what'd be cool if we actually incorporated this? Oh, I've been thinking about this and being confident in saying those things.
Hmm.
Surabhi: And in [00:21:00] your experience with your clients, like how does that, how do those conversations go? Like, I feel like in our heads we think it's going to go very negatively. Yeah. But in reality, that's not always true. Right. It often goes right. Quite well. So I'm ex I'm curious about the experience that your clients tend to have with that.
Shamaree: I, I would say that most of the time, like if you're in a happy, like a relationship where it's a reciprocal relationship where your partner truly values you and appreciates you. So if you can. And have like, at least that as a basis, like they genuinely care about you. , most of the time that person wants to know what you like, they want to be able to make you happy.
They want to be able to make you feel good. And so a lot of times if people are coming to me and their relationships are toxic or abusive, then obviously that's a different conversation and we have work to do elsewhere. But typically, if you're coming to me, Because there's like, maybe a scared of communicating something.
And, but you know that they love you, you know that they care about you. Those conversations go [00:22:00] extremely well because the person's like, oh, I didn't know because, right. I mean, you never told me like, how am I supposed to know right? Um, but like, I didn't know. And then they want to try those things, or they want to incorporate it or come to some sort of compromise because they.
That opens something up because a lot of times too, if they know, some partners don't know, but if they know that you're unsatisfied with anything, a part of the re relationship, whether it's sexual or not, um, If they know they want a solution too, like they're with you in that desire. , and so if they don't know, then they might think things are great, but if they, if they don't, if they know they, they're with you, they're right there.
So they might not be the one dissatisfied, but there's a part of them that feels like they want to accomplish that so that they can give you something that you've been missing.
Surabhi: And like, I think a lot of the times women will hold it in for like months and years before they speak up. Oh yeah. And so they might think, oh, my partner doesn't love me, doesn't appreciate me, [00:23:00] but it's just because they haven't known for years.
Right,
Shamaree: right. That whole time you're, you're feeling it, you're experiencing it, but a lot of times they have no idea. Um, and especially if you're in heterosexual, men have different cues, different social women are just a little bit better at picking up on those sorts of things. And so if you're not saying then it can be really difficult for anyone to know.
Surabhi: And like I have clients who've just been faking it for years. Cuz they feel bad, they feel mm-hmm. And I, I, you know, I said that is harmful for you and for your partner because Right when they find out that you've been faking it, that's gonna hurt their feelings, it's gonna make them feel even worse then if you just told them, you know, this is actually how I like it.
Or why don't we try something else? Right. So it's, we think that that's going to. Make it easier. And it does maybe in the short term, but in the long run it just makes it way harder. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And definitely. And I like, [00:24:00] I remember reading the stats on like how many women have faked it and it's like 60%.
I'm like, I think it's even higher. Yeah. But for sure, and I know, I know men can as well, but it's just this, our society's fed this narrative that men deserve pleasure and women don't, right? Mm-hmm. Women, women are for having babies. Yeah. And men are for. You know, and people even like excuse infidelity, they're like, oh, it's a man.
What do you expect? Like he has needs. Right, right, right. Mm-hmm. Versus that same view is not given to women. Right. Yeah. So I would love to know, so we talked about those four things and what's the last one?
5. Self-efficacy
Shamaree: Self-efficacy, um, which is just the belief that you're able to do something right. And so if you believe that you're able to, it makes it more likely that you're going to, because now it, it's worth it to put forth the effort.
It's worth it for me to go out and seek this help that I'm needing. It's worth it for me to practice these exercises. It's worth it because I actually believe I can accomplish it. If you don't believe it's ever gonna happen, [00:25:00] you're not likely to put any effort towards it. . So if you believe that you can do it, you're more likely to put forth that effort towards it. You're much more willing to do the things that you need to do or you feel like you should do in order to accomplish the goal.
Versus if you don't even even believe that you can do it, you don't believe that you can have it, you don't believe you're worth it, you're not, you're not gonna put effort forth towards it cuz it, it would feel like it's a waste of your time.
Surabhi: Yeah, cuz you're like, if you've lost hope completely, or if you think that someone like me doesn't, you know, won't be able to do X, Y, Z.
Mm-hmm. And so much of this is to like what we've seen in our homes. We've absorbed these messages, like something that's unrelated to sex, but like low back pain. Mm-hmm. You have a higher chance of having low back pain. If you've seen a parent deal with chronic low back pain. Not necessarily because it's genetic, but literally because you just expect, oh, well this is what happens to people like us, right?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so I can see that same thing happening in terms of like sexual wellness and pleasure. It's like, well, I've never seen my mom experience. Any type of pleasure, [00:26:00] she never prioritizes herself. Right. So I guess I won't either. Right. I, I guess mm-hmm. I guess that's just how it's for people like us.
Mm-hmm. And th those are messages that I've had that I didn't even recognize I had until, again, until I had kids, because prior to that, for me anyways, it's easy to see yourself as sexual when you're. Like young, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Because that's what, that's what the society's sold you is sexy. As you get older, you know, things start to sag, more stretch marks, more changes in your body.
You don't see that ever reflected as being sexual. Right. And so you have to like, you have to learn that for yourself. Internalize it internally. Yeah. Because society isn't necessarily gonna come out and say, tell you explicitly, right? Hey, so to be people like you are also sexy, right? Yeah. So it's, it's something that I've definitely.
Been learning in my, mm-hmm. In my thirties. And I think that I love those five, you know, facets of building sexual confidence because it's not [00:27:00] just one thing, right? Yeah. Everyone thinks if I had the perfect body, then I'll feel more confident. Right? That's right. And I, I told myself that too. Once I get back to my pre pregnant body, then things will be better and then it didn't get better.
Right? Yeah. Yeah. So, Can you talk about in terms of intimacy? Mm-hmm. We always think about intimacy as like sex. Yeah.
Intimacy
Surabhi: Can you talk about what is intimacy?
Shamaree: For me, the simplest way that I like to put it, intimacy is closeness. So anything that you do or feel close to someone that is intimacy and so that there's a huge range.
Obviously sex is one thing that makes you feel close to someone, but it's absolutely not the only, um, and probably not the most common either at all.
Surabhi: I think in our heads we're like, everyone's doing it so much and everyone's having this like great sex life and they're not Yeah.[00:28:00]
The, the truth, right? And I think, yeah. Um, again, it's this message that you don't really realize how impactful media is. Like movies and TV shows. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But when you're watching it every day now, now I can tell you now I, I can say, oh, my parents were right. Don't keep watching that stuff because it does get into your head and you do start to believe it, right?
And mm-hmm. Um, intimacy is closeness. And so you can have intimate relationships with anybody. Doesn't have to be just sexual.
Shamaree: Anyone. Yep. Yeah. Coworkers. Someone you met just one night at a bar in the bathroom. When you, when you, you're intoxicating, you're telling everybody you love them. All of those things, you can be, can be intimate.
Um, and I always tell people like, you gotta think very, very broad when it comes to this just because like holding hands, things like that. Like you don't walk up to strangers and hold their hand, right? Because true. True. That's an intimate thing to do. You only do that with people you know? [00:29:00] Right. You don't just hold strangers hands or just walk up to people and hug them.
Hug them. Yeah. Um, yeah, like these are intimate things and I think sometimes we miss those things because we're waiting for the, the bigger things. So like, oh, well he doesn't touch me sexually. Or like, we're not having sex, so they feel like they don't have intimacy and that's not accurate. Mm.
Surabhi: And I feel like when you understand that you do have intimacy, you start to build more confidence too, because you, you're like, oh, okay, we're not that down in the dumps.
You know, like, right. Yeah. There it's not as bad as I thought. Mm-hmm. Um, and I remember like, this is even just switching from a dating relationship to a more longer term relationship, things shift. Right? And so when you move in together, things shift. And so when we hold ourselves to the same standard as like the first few months of dating, Right?
Mm-hmm. Like that excitement and that that passion and that, you know, level of closeness in a sexual way, and we expect that to say, [00:30:00] stay the same, exact same our entire lives. Right? Those are just unreasonable. Right. Unrealistic expectations. Right? Yeah. Um, And I'm sure there's some people who are the exceptions to that, but still, on average, I would say that most people's relationships do change.
Mm-hmm. And I love that definition of intimacy. And so how do you build intimacy in a relationship? Especially if it's been like challenging time or if it's been, if you find, found that it's, you know, hasn't been happening as much as you'd like, how do you start in initiate
Sparking Intimacy in a Relationship
Shamaree: that? Yeah, so there's three main buckets.
So like shared details or shared secrets, so like exposing things, having conversations, and not just like, oh, how was work? Fine. Actually having genuine conversations. Because if you think about all of the people that you feel close to, even if you've only had a moment with them, if you've shared something with someone, you automatically feel closer to that person.
And again, intimacy is closeness. So if you're able to reveal something or tell, like even if it's a random thing telling like a story, like one time [00:31:00] in first grade I farted in class, um, and everyone knew it was me. Like that is what brings you closer to someone. Cause now they're, they're laughing and laughter is very healthy.
Um, it's a wonderful thing to share with someone. But then also if you share something with someone, they feel more comfortable to share something back. And that's how you build that closeness. You can reconnect that way. Um, The other way would be like, um, shared experiences. So again, kind of like sharing something with a person, like if you've gone through something together, especially if you have to like work as a team.
So like, you know, when you have those adventure days in school, I always tell people they don't care if you have fun. They really, it's not about that. It's about you guys being able to work together so that. It's a healthier environment for everyone. Mm-hmm. So that people are able to get along. You're able to work with someone whether you like them or not.
And it's really about building that connection more so than, oh, we are having so much fun, we don't get to do math today. Like, it's not about that. And so it's the same way. It works [00:32:00] a lot better for relationships. People you actually like, you wanna be around. Right. So it ma it makes it easier for you to connect.
, and then the last thing is physical touch. And this one I know can be very difficult for a lot of people, especially if you're, you're not happy in the moment. Um, I used to be like this and I had to, I, I'm still working on it. I'm way better. But like, when I'm upset or if I feel disconnected, um, I don't want you to touch me like, what are you, like, why, why are you doing that?
Like, and I shut it down. But that is a chance for you to connect. So even if, like I said, it's holding hands, a shoulder rub, a hug, um, a peck in the middle of the day, like that matters. Um, because we need that context and it helps with your health in general. Um, but then it also makes it easier for you to work up towards those other types of intimacy.
Surabhi: And see, this is so interesting because for me it was actually the opposite. [00:33:00] So when I'm upset, I do want that closeness, like that touch to the, I need a hug, right? Mm-hmm. But my, for my partner, he g always gave me space. And so it would make me feel less intimate in that moment. And like, he didn't care because I was like, I just want someone to hold me.
Right? And it's interesting cuz I have two kids and one of them is like me. Were mm-hmm. Once. Touch right away and wants to be held. The other one is like, do not come near me. Give me space, right? Mm-hmm. But I still stay in the vicinity because then when she's ready, I'm there. Right? Right. And so even just understanding it took me so long to even understand that that's what was upsetting me.
It wasn't even that I was upset. It was that when I was upset, I wasn't getting the type of like touch and right. Like intimacy that I needed. Mm-hmm. And recognizing that we all come from different backgrounds and experiences and sometimes even just like asking for what you need Yeah. Is a skill, right?
Um, yeah. And it can make you feel very [00:34:00] vulnerable. And I always, I remember someone saying like, you have to believe that your partner. Is looking out for you and your best interests because what is the other alternative that you think that they're there to like, make you feel terrible? You know? Right.
Like what, what's the other alternative? And that's been a big mindset switch for me, is just understanding that like, okay, you know, he's supposed to be there for me. So like he wants to know this information cuz if he doesn't, he just won't know.
Shamaree: Right, right. No, I love that.
Surabhi: Um, so tell me about, Sex and pleasure cuz I love talking about pleasure from, uh, both in the bedroom, out outside the bedroom.
Right.
Earning Pleasure as a Woman of Colour
Surabhi: Pleasure is something that for me has been very liberating in a sense because so much of the time I grew up thinking, you know, I have to work hard to earn my worth. I have to work hard, I have to make a certain amount of money. I have to accomplish, accomplish, accomplish, prove my worth. [00:35:00] Yeah. And.
Unlearning the, all that toxic messaging. Mm-hmm. Right? And like especially black women, brown women, you know, women of color, they're all hardworking. Like, I don't know, one person who isn't hardworking, who isn't doing the most, right? Mm-hmm. And. Yet we're getting sick more, we're stressed more. And so we deserve pleasure.
We deserve that time for ourselves. Mm-hmm. And we deserve that intimacy, that closeness. So even just understanding that and unlearning that has been been huge for me. Yeah. So can you talk about how all of this impacts women of color?
Shamaree: Yeah, I think, like you said, you mentioned just the fact that we feel like we have to earn rest or to earn the day off, to earn the ability to just go get my nails done randomly because I.
I feel like I need to get my nails done, to earn a happy, satisfying relationship or that we have to make a certain [00:36:00] amount of money in order to earn a certain type of lifestyle that we want, like we, and we can't stop and get those things until we have accomplished ourselves to that level. Um, and I think that that's very common just because, I mean, we feel like we have to prove ourselves to the world, um, which I, I wish that we didn't, but that is something that, that's something that we've internalized and it's something that we.
I'm constantly trying to like undo, , because I shouldn't have to earn anything just by being born. I deserve to experience the pleasures of the world in my life. Like I can create that, whether I have $0 or if I have a million dollars, like it shouldn't matter what level I've accomplished or how much education I've got because, you know, women of color we.
The most educated. Oh yeah. Like absolutely. That's like we shouldn't have to feel like, okay, once I reach this level, then I will have all the great things of life. You can have all the great things of life on the journey. Um, or whether or not you decide [00:37:00] that you want to have those degrees, the money, the lifestyle, regardless.
Surabhi: That's. And that's an, uh, I wish somebody told me that when I was in my, like twenties. Yeah, yeah. Um, because it's, it's not something that we ever actively think about. We are just operating from a point of this is what we've learned. This is what we think is normal. And so we just do it without ever pausing to ask ourselves, is this what we want?
How am I living my life? Am I even living my life or am I just waiting for. You know, once I had get this accomplishment. Cause I always thought once I finish school, once I finish grad school, once I get a job, once I get married, once I have kids, once I have the second child, then I'll be happy. And guess what, that didn't happen.
I always felt like, oh, then I need something else, then I need my own business, then I need this. Mm-hmm. And so understanding that happiness and pleasure don't have to wait for all those little milestones. There's suppo, it's supposed to exist through, through that journey, like you said. Mm-hmm. Um, that's [00:38:00] a powerful, you know, if, if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I am guilty of like, Starving myself of pleasure, right.
Or yeah. Um, preventing myself from being happy because I feel like I haven't earned it. Even just pausing to ask yourself like, is this what you wanna keep doing? Because you can change that, right?
Shamaree: Right. Or just waiting for a special occasions, because I feel like we do that too. Like, we'll wait, like, oh, well it's my birthday and so like now I can do it.
It because I have an excuse for it. I have a reason. Be it being a random Thursday is not a good enough excuse for me to go and take a day at the spa. Like that's, I can't do that Right. Because it's just a Thursday. But if it's my birthday, then it makes sense. Yeah.
Surabhi: It's the one time a year I can actually treat myself.
Right? Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's that's so true. I've um, I, I like using like nature analogies and one, one of the things that I find powerful is like the sun shines equally on all the trees, right? Whether you're a small tree, a [00:39:00] thick tree, a thin tree, a short, tall, different shapes, sizes, colors, the sun shines for everyone, right?
It doesn't, it's not, oh, the older trees will get the most sun, right? It's the little trees also get sun. Of course, we talk about trees going under the trees and. The shade and from the other trees. But even still, like we all deserve pleasure and you know. Mm-hmm. Even if you're a barista does is that doesn't mean you deserve less pleasure because you don't have a D degree.
Right, right, right. And in our society, that's not how we treat people. We treat people with more respect if they're doctors or lawyers or, you know, of, of certain status and yeah, I think. In our own lives. If we can dismantle that, I think that will be really powerful. Mm-hmm.
Myths around Sex
Surabhi: Tell me a a bit about some myths that we have around mm-hmm.
Sex.
Shamaree: So I think, uh, a, well there's many, but um, I think a lot of what people are [00:40:00] trying to like normal versus not normal sort of thing, and like that it doesn't exist. And so like a lot of the work that I do, at least for me, I know we love to know what normal or average is because it helps to normalize or make us feel like, okay, what I'm experiencing is okay, but ultimately what I like to tell people is there are no rules.
Ain't no rules until you make 'em. So, mm-hmm. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing. They're, they're always like, well, do other people do this? How often do other people have sex? Like, how long should it last? It doesn't matter. It, it really, it does not matter unless you're planning to go and be with that person.
It doesn't matter what they're doing. It doesn't affect you in any way. , what you need to figure out is what you like and what works for you and your relationships, whatever those relationships are. Like having those conversations, figuring out what that is, because all the [00:41:00] time people wanna ask me, oh, is this weird?
Is this normal? Well, what do people usually do? And it's like, well, why? What about knowing that is gonna change your circumstance?
Surabhi: It's so true. It's like this mix of curiosity and like, nosiness, right? Like, yeah. You're like, what, what's everyone else doing over there? Right? Mm-hmm. You know, I, I don't think about what other people are eating for dinner every night of the week.
So like, why should I care about what they're doing? In their home, right? Mm-hmm. And I think part of that stems from the taboo that we've had growing up, even discussing it. So then when we grow up and we're adults, we're like, we still feel like there's this like hush hush around it, and maybe our future generations won't have that taboo growing up.
Maybe they'll be able to just be like, yeah. This is, this is a normal, healthy right thing. Uh, you know, as we, as we grow up and we have these sexual desires, instead of feeling like we're wrong for having them. So I love that normal doesn't [00:42:00] exist. Normal is what you, you define the rules, right? You get to
Shamaree: what normal for you is normal.
Surabhi: Love that. And what is, um, what are some ways that women especially can build more sexual. Desire and sexual exploration.
Shamaree: Mm-hmm. I think this is a very difficult one just because, um, there's so many different reasons why you might feel like you don't have desire. So I always say I'm not a doctor.
Medications that Impact Libido & Sexual Health
Shamaree: Definitely check with a doctor to rule out things because I think a lot of us don't know how. Our medical health, or even just medicine that we take can impact our desire. Um, and that's something that I had to kind of learn myself because a lot of doctors, even a lot of therapists, which was another reason why it was difficult for me to find one.
I. Are not comfortable talking about sex, so they're not gonna tell you how it's gonna impact your sex. You have to specifically [00:43:00] ask them, and even then, they might not be comfortable saying like, Hey, this is gonna impact your libido, or this, you might experience dryness as a result of this. Like, those are not things that most are gonna offer up to you without you asking.
Surabhi: And I'm so curious if, if it was a man going in for the same med, would they, would they then learn, oh, this is gonna impact your, like, Your erect your erection, so take this other pill to combat that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Because women's sexuality, it's like our, our dryness doesn't matter. It doesn't impact anybody from their perspective because a man isn't impacted by that.
He'll still get what he wants. Right. So I I I love that we have to ask cuz so many medications, like especially mental health medications, even, even other meds. Their side effect is dryness. It is low libido, and even birth control pills can cause low libido, right? Yeah. Right. So here you are taking this pill and that impacts your libido.
So if you notice changes to your libido, Like I always say, libido's a [00:44:00] sign of our health. So if you're, if you're low, ask yourself what else is going on. I know when I've been really stressed, when I was postpartum, I was dealing with anxiety, I was dealing with depression. Mm-hmm. There was no libido, there was no need desire.
Right. And so it took me a while to like, oh, okay, now I have to cultivate that again and, and build that back up. And I love that you bring that up because there's also hormonal things that can happen. Yeah. Or, um, if you're breastfeeding that d. Dips down libido, so, right. I, I know a lot of my breastfeeding moms, they're relieved when I tell them that because they're like, oh, I hope it's not just, yeah, it's not just me that's like broken.
It's just mm-hmm. There's a legitimate reason for this.
Shamaree: Right. Um, yeah, absolutely. You gotta place it into context. That's very important. Cause like you said, sometimes like that stress, um, even like relationship issues, um, if you're not happy, like every day you're telling them to. Clean the dishes and they never do it, and you're [00:45:00] getting frustrated and you're building up that resentment and that anger, because you have to pick up the slack that's gonna impact whether or not you're thinking about sex.
Like it's not sexy if I feel like I have to be your mother. Mm-hmm. Because I'm picking up after you. Right. That's, yeah. That's, most people don't think that's sexy. Yeah. It's, it's just not, it's not a sexy thing. Right. And so put it into context, what's going on. I love that you said, like, what, when you think about what's going on, it makes sense.
Like it logically, like if you look at it on the outside, it sucks when you're sitting in it, but like, if you look at it that way, then you're able to see all of the, the aspects that are impacting it. And then from there you can address each one. So like, if it's a relationship issue, Like prioritizing intimacy.
Maybe you need to do more shared experiences, having more conversations. Maybe you need to seek out a therapist or a coach to help you negotiate and figure out what, what's really the source of the issue. If it's a medical thing, then you know you need to see a doctor of some sort. Maybe you need to see a pelvic [00:46:00] floor therapist.
Um, maybe you need to. Change your medication. There's a lot of things that you can do in that realm, and then if it's a mental health issue, then the therapy obviously, but then also making sure that you have coping skills because we all go through ups and downs throughout life. But sometimes it, it, it, you may have it one time.
This one year and not have it the rest of the year, but then the next year it's, it feels like it's every day, right? And so you wanna make sure that you are prepared if something similar happens, that you have some type of coping skill that you can do on your own, because you won't always have that support.
Like I tell my clients, it would be lovely if I can be there with you 24 7, but I absolutely cannot and I will not. So we, we have to make sure that you have something, you have the skills for when you don't have me. Yeah.
Surabhi: Yeah. And I think ultimately too is like recognizing that many times it's, it's not just one thing that they need, it's a couple, you know, it's, um, a combination and, right.
I know for people it can feel very overwhelming, right? And so a lot of people don't prioritize their pleasure or their [00:47:00] relationships because there's so much other stuff that gets in the way that becomes a priority. And I will, I will say this, that when you start to prioritize yourself in any way, everything else gets easier.
Absolutely. I was talking to my therapist actually this week, and I used to get really triggered by noise. Right. Noise was a huge trigger for me. So like having kids Yeah. Always triggering. And she was like, you know, you haven't really mentioned anything about, and I'm like, I am not triggered by it anymore.
Like, it just clicked to me this week. I'm like, wow. Like all of this time I used to be, I'm not saying it never triggers me, but it's not a, it's not an issue. Because before I would immediately dissociate, this is like again, related to my childhood, right? And it's. All that work has paid off. Right? Because I can see it now paying off, but it didn't pay off in like a week.
Right? So we sometimes think, oh, I signed up with this intimacy coach. Perfect. Our sex life will be back in like two days. [00:48:00] Right? Right. And then we, we think because it hasn't happened that we've somehow failed. But the reality is like relationship changes, both relationship with yourself and with others takes time.
Absolutely. Absolutely. Um,
Getting Help with Shamaree
Surabhi: can you share with me some of the ways that you support people? So one-on-one coaching, and I will share the link for that as well. So for people who are interested in booking in with you worldwide mm-hmm. Um, they can, um, yeah, they can book in with you. Right? So how does that, how does that work?
Shamaree: Yeah, so I have, um, an easy treat. It has all of my links with all of the things that I offer, um, but I am accepting new clients for one-on-one coaching. Um, and how that would start is with a free breakthrough call. So I meet with everyone just to make sure that we're aligned, um, and that I also am able to help you with whatever your concern is.
So nice. Um, you have to make sure I'm not gonna take your money and. Say, I can help with [00:49:00] something if I, if I can't. Um, and so I am very open to sending you resources. If it's not me, then I can let you know where to go, how to find the help that you need. Um, but we always start with that call so that I can get to know you, you can get to know me, and we can make sure we're a good fit.
From there, I have two options for the one-to-one. So I do have a coaching package, which is a three month package. In that package, you get. Me. Um, we meet weekly, 60 minute sessions. Um, and then you also have, um, access to me in between sessions. So if you send me a message, I will get back to you within 24 hours.
So if you're like, I tried this and we got an argument, I don't know what to do, I, I can, I can get back to you within 24 hours. And then you also get full access to my course, um, better sex, A guide to confidence, relationship satisfaction and orgasms without faking. So you get full access to that at. All within that package.
Right. And then amazing. I also, I also do like, you can buy sessions as you go so you can kind of [00:50:00] tailor it to your need. Um, but you don't get access to meet in between sessions or access to the course. Um, but that is something that you have the option to do as well. And it's still 60 minute sessions.
Surabhi: Nice. And what are some of the benefits of seeking help? Because some people. Who, who, who are good people to seek out help? What are their, what are the reasons that they seek out help for so that people are listening are like, oh, maybe this is me. Right,
Shamaree: right. So typically, um, this is gonna be for a person who's feel like, they feel like they've tried everything and this, and this is gonna be describing my past self.
So like, I, I feel like I was doing. Everything that I personally can think of, right? So like trying new things, new dates, new romance ideas, whether it's new things sexually, like I just felt like I was doing all of the things and I still didn't. Yield the results that I thought that I should given. I was trying everything right.
[00:51:00] Um, so if you are the person who feels like you're trying everything, which no one has tried everything realistically, but if you feel like you have and you cannot think of anything different to do, at that point, we need to ask for help because, or unless you're happy with things remaining the same forever.
And that's another thing I love to ask. Um, it's like, well, are you okay with things staying like this forever? Because there's a chance that they will if we don't do anything different, right? Yes. Um, and most of the time they, they are not okay with that. And so that kind of makes it more realistic, like, okay.
I'm not doing this forever. I'm not. Yeah. And so I, I have, I have to do something right. And typically people are coming to me, um, because they're dissatisfied with the sex that they're having. Um, sometimes they're not having enough sex at all. Um, and the dissatisfaction could be just that they're not into the type of sex.
Maybe they're not having an orgasm, maybe they've been faking them. Um, but then there's also people who [00:52:00] feel uncomfortable with intimacy, so they don't know how to be close to a person. So I. When I work with people, like I said, you can be in a relationship. You don't have to be in a relationship.
Sometimes they're not in a relationship because they don't know how to be. Mm. Um, they don't know how to allow themselves to be close to another person. And so that, a lot of it is that. And then there's also like the body. Image stuff and feeling comfortable in your body and what your body can do and what your body can experience or feel.
Um, so those would be kind of like the main things that women come to me about. Um, but anything related to sex and sexuality and your expression of it, um, would be things that I would love to help with.
Surabhi: And I also think it's really cool actually if people reach out for support when they're single or when they're not partnered.
Mm-hmm. Because right. That's a beautiful time to work on yourself without the pressure, the added pressures of, you know, someone, someone deal dealing with someone else. Right. So, yeah. Um, I know with [00:53:00] pelvic health, the pelvic health world too, people are like, oh, I don't need to get, take your, you know, pleasure workshops.
I don't have a relationship. And I'm like, this is the time when it's actually is Yeah. Easier to do it. Mm-hmm. Um, but. For those listening who don't have relationship or maybe don't want one. Even just learning how to be more intimate with people, I think opens you up to so much more pleasure and happiness, um, and intimacy in your relationships.
Mm-hmm. Um, amazing.
Better Sex Course
Surabhi: And tell me about your better sex course.
Shamaree: I. Yes, so it's a course. Um, I kind of compiled all of the things that I did on my journey, um, things that I do with clients. Um, so it's packed with information, obviously about confidence, um, because like I said, that's. A big part of sexual confidence is being able to find that confidence within self first and foremost.
Um, and then, um, there's a lot of information about relationships, like communication, boundaries, um, and being able [00:54:00] to effectively communicate things. Um, because even if I know what I love and I really want it, if I'm not communicating it in a healthy way, in a way that someone else can hear it and, and understand it.
Then it's not really gonna do anything either. So just equipping you with those relationship tools that you can use, whether it's a romantic relationship or not. Like the boundaries, the communication. These are things that we can use in all relationships, whether it's at work, school, with your family, with your friends.
Um, this can be utilized with everyone. Um, and then there's the more intimate stuff, so getting into people that we feel closer to. Um, and then the whole sex section. Where we talk about like finding that pleasure and really identifying it, because some of us don't, we don't know, like I can tell you I don't like that.
But if I ask you what it is that you do, like what you do want, and you can't verbalize it, um, that's another thing that I help people with too, is like, really, let's identify it. Let's find it. Um, and so that's a lot of what [00:55:00] the sex section is about is really finding it. Being comfortable with it, whatever that is, because everyone's different.
Like I said, there's no rules until you make them. There's no normal until you decide what's normal for you. , and so we go through that. Um, and the workbook, I have the workbook, um, this, Ooh, has nice all, all of the activities and things. So there's a electronic copy that comes with the course, but if you want a physical copy, you can get that.
It's on Amazon.
Surabhi: That's so cool. That's really cool that you offer that. Um, and I also feel that that's for those people who are maybe not ready for one-on-one support or who wanna kind of work through things on their own, both of these are fantastic options. Um, and tell me about your freebie as well.
Shamaree: Oh, yes.
So if you're an adult and you are having sex, thinking about having sex, you had sex before, then you need to get this, it's free. Completely free. But a lot of people, they say they don't know how to talk about sex. [00:56:00] They don't know what to say. They don't know what they should be asking. So they ask me like, okay, well how do I have that conversation?
I don't know. Um, now you can download this freebie. It's 69 sex questions. I compiled a list of questions that. You can utilize to spark that conversation. Ooh. So it'll make me easier. Ooh, I'm gonna download this easier for you. You do not have to think of the questions. You don't have to feel the pressure of, well, what do I say to get it going?
Take out the list. Um, you can cut it up and take, pull 'em out of a hat. You can say, choose a number one through 69 and go that way. Like, it makes it love it easier. So there's no pressure on either party to be the one to facilitate the conversation. I created it all for you so you can utilize those questions to get that conversation going.
Cause the people who are talking about sex are having better sex. Yes.
Surabhi: [00:00:00] And there's research to back that up too, right? If you're not talking about it. And listen, there's research to show like one in three women and men, vulva owners and penis owners don't know where the clitoris is. Mm-hmm. So if you, if, if you, if you yourself, don't even know, you can't guide your partner if you're in a heterosexual relationship, and if your partner doesn't know, they might be totally missing out on how to pleasure you.
Amen. And. That's when like that education, knowing your base anatomy, your education about yourself, looking at your vulva, all of those things help. And then I love that you have these questions. Ooh, these are questions that I wish that, again, I had earlier. But the thing is, it's never too late to even begin working on your relationship, your sexual satisfaction.
I, I've worked with people who've been in like 20 years relationship. Mm-hmm. And they're like, I. You know, they're having orgasms, but maybe it's not that great. Or maybe it's Yeah. Could be better. And if you have that inner knowing like, ugh, there's better for me out here. [00:01:00] Go get support because you Right.
You know that there's better out there for you and we can make that happen. Thank you so much Shamaree, for your time. I will have a few questions for you, um mm-hmm. On just getting to know you a little bit better. Um, tell me about three things that you like to do for yourself for self-care.
Self Care
Shamaree: Yes. So three things that I do like on a daily basis.
So I have a skincare routine now, and I make sure to do that every single day. Uh, the sunscreen very, very important. So I do that every day, um, in the morning and then at night I don't use the sunscreen, but I still have like a nighttime routine. Um, another thing that I try to do every day is to speak well to myself.
So whether that's doing specific affirmations or whenever I have. Thoughts, um, or things like questioning myself, like, am I doing the right thing? Should I be doing more? Like just being, making an effort to really change that to a more positive slant. So like, okay, [00:02:00] if I could be doing more, like what things.
Should I be doing next? Or like what things have I already done acknowledging how far that I've already come, like really speaking well to myself. I think that's extremely important and sometimes I have to do it out loud. I'm still working on me. Um, so I tell people all the time, if that's what you have to do to get you right, then.
I don't care if people think I'm crazy, I'm gonna do it. Um, and so I, I, I try to do that. Um, and then also like looking in the mirror, like admiring yourself in the mirror for at least like a minute. Um, just like really. That's great. Looking at idea. Yeah. Looking at yourself. I know we, we'll look in the mirror really quickly, maybe when we wash our hands, but like really just looking at yourself and taking it in, admiring the things about yourself that you love.
Um, maybe. Things are changing, but that doesn't matter. Just admiring the fact that you're here and that your body is working for you in whatever ways it's working for you. , and I think that's really, really important. So I try to do that [00:03:00] every single day as well.
Surabhi: Um, great idea. I thank you for sharing that.
I was just, that what you said reminded me of, I remember like back when I took Psych 1 0 1, right. The more you see some someone, the more you find 'em attractive, right? Mm-hmm. Because we're so used to being bombarded with, you know, young faces. Often light skin, often, you know, Euro centric models of beauty.
Right. But the more we see ourselves fully right, our faces, our bodies see yourself naked, the more you start to see it mm-hmm. The more you find yourself attractive to. Right. And it can be triggering for some, especially if they've dealt with eating disorders, body image issues. Mm-hmm. But we start with small things.
And I love that you even just taking a minute, like who we all have a minute. Right. Get off your phone for a minute. Yes. Like look at yourself in the mirror. Oh, so good. Um, and I need to get some sunscreen for my face. That's something that I, I don't do.
Shamaree: Yes. It made such a huge difference for me. Like, yeah, I've only started doing [00:04:00] that maybe in the last two years.
Um, but it really, it makes a huge difference. And now I'm, I will not allow my husband to open the blinds until I have done it. So
Surabhi: the, I always think, but I'm only at home. But then I hear, heard recently that you get so much even from, and I have so many windows. Yeah. Um, Okay, you, you're inspiring me in all the ways.
Um, tell me about something that you are super passionate about right now.
Helping BIPOC Women Find Confidence
Shamaree: Um. Doesn't kinda like what I've, well, I mean, I think that's what it is, what it always is. And so not even just necessarily like only within the capacity of like, realizing your intimate or sexual self, but just like all about women, especially women of color, um, finding themselves and, and being comfortable with themselves.
So whatever that looks like, it's gonna be different for everyone. But helping women to find that and to be confident in that and to feel comfortable with that, um, whatever it may look like. And [00:05:00] so being able to play a part in that for other people, I think I'm so blessed that I, I can even say that, that people can confirm that for me and it's like, really me.
Um, but, but I, I love that I can do that and that I. I'm so happy that I get to do it for the rest of my life for however long I decide to work.
Surabhi: You know what? And I think, um, it is not for those listening. It's not always easy work, right? Because it brings back your own things. You have to really deal with your own stuff that comes up in order to help others.
And I think that it's courageous work. Um, and. You are literally bettering not just the lives of these women, but their relationship and then if they become parents, their children's lives and relationships and it's this ripple effect, right. Of, of your influence. And I think that that's so powerful and I'm so glad that you do that.
Um, if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Erasure of Social Rules
Shamaree: Oh, that's, [00:06:00] that's a, a big one. I think. Like if I can make it very, very broad, um, because it can apply to everything. It's just the idea of these expectations or if you're this, you should be this way or like that. There's rules that.
Like social rules, not just like laws, but like social rules that people feel like are facts. Hmm. Um, so like, just breaking down the idea that there are these absolute facts when most things in the world are not that way. Like there's, it's not black and white. There's a lot of gray, a lot like more than anything else.
Um, and just being okay with that and like, Breaking down, like questioning everything. Like, like I said, I took that to heart. Like I will remember that for the rest of my life. And I will tell everyone I meet the same thing. Um, just like, yeah, all the things that they say that we should or shouldn't do, like why are we believing that?
Let's change that.
Surabhi: And like, who is it benefiting? [00:07:00] Cuz it's not benefiting us. Right. When we believe that.
Shamaree: Absolutely not. Right.
Surabhi: I love that. And where can people find you? Where Instagram, what's your handle?
Shamaree: Yes. So my Instagram is shamari, l a b, um, and that is where I spend the most of my social media time.
Um, but I'm also like on Pinterest, I'm on YouTube. Um, I'm gonna start posting YouTube videos this year. Um, I have, I like put my lives on there and I have like my shorts and stuff like that on there, but I'm gonna be a little bit more active on there soon. I do have a TikTok, um, And yeah, I mean if you follow me on Instagram, then you'll see, um, the link in my bio is my Easy tree, where everything is, all of my links.
The freebie, which you should be getting if you're an adult. Um, 100% eighteen plus you should absolutely have it. Um, and you could also utilize some of the question, um, to like help you if you have teenagers or. [00:08:00] Kids in your life that are in their adolescents. Some of the questions might help you to start those conversations too.
Um, because I know some parents have a really hard time and that's why we didn't get a sex talk that,
Surabhi: that literally on i I, on my wedding day, my mom gives me this mat, this like red mat. Mm-hmm. And was like, you'll need this. And I'm just like, I was like, Like, I was so confused, but I knew that that was meant for like sex, right?
Like yeah. So I didn't soil the bed and I'm like, there was so much to unpack there. I'm like my poor mother, I'm not even gonna start this conversation with her, but, right. You know, it is. As parents for me, I feel immense responsibility to not screw up my children. And, um, Like, I know the world is gonna try to do that anyways.
Oh. But at least at home, I want them to feel confident in who they are and feel empowered and feel free. Right. Feel liberated. Right. Um, okay.
Shamaree's Biggest Strength
Surabhi: My [00:09:00] last question for you, what would you say is your biggest strength?
Shamaree: Um, I. Well, this is something that I just started to accept. Um, I feel like people have been telling me this for a long time, but just, um, my compassion and my genuineness, like the fact that people can feel that I actually, like, I actually care. So, um, and like I genuinely care. So I think people have been telling me that for a long time and it's just like, You can't tell that, um, by just talking to a person.
But I guess people have felt that from me and then I've realized, yeah, through my experiences that I do show that. Um, and so I think, I think that that is a strength that maybe some people would like to have that they don't. So I, I. I started to embrace it and to accept it. Like I said, I'm still working on Absolutely.
Yes. Um, me
Surabhi: too. Like that. Me too. And like, you know that saying, I don't know the saying, I screw up sayings all the time, but when somebody tells you something, like believe them, right? Yeah. So [00:10:00] it's like if someone, if people keep telling you like, you're so compassionate. You're so genuine, like believe them.
Right? And I, yeah. I even think about it what you said about when you were a teenager, people used to come to you for advice, right? That that began there, right. Like that Yeah. Sense of you can't ask just anyone those. That type of advice. So if you're the go-to friend Yeah. You know, you have that inner just compassion from right, from the beginning.
Right. And I think that, yeah, that's a beautiful gift to celebrate. The more people in our society need that compassion. Mm-hmm. Um, and. It's a skill that you can, if it doesn't come more naturally to you, it's a skill that you can practice. And I think that, yeah, those who work with you, those who are around you are lucky to have you in their lives and be able to access that compassion from you and that.
Thank you. Um. Just that authenticity, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you so much, Shamaree. For all of our listeners, if you listen to this episode, please tag us on Instagram, share it with your friends. I know you're gonna get so much out of this [00:11:00] episode and even share it with your partner if you have a partner to start working through some of those conversations that.
You might feel, you know, shy or feel awkward about starting. Um, and please reach out to Shamaree for support. Um, she's got her better sex course, she's got her workbook, which looks awesome. And at the bare minimum, go get her freebie right now. I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go sign up for that right now because I am so excited to take a look at that and, um, kickstart some conversations myself.
Mm.
Shamaree: Yes. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.
