48. Sexual confidence, intimacy & body image with Dr. Jacqueline Sherman
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Join Surabhi Veitch as she sits down with Dr. Jacqueline Sherman (aka Dr. Jac) to chat sexual confidence, how to discuss difficult topics with your partner, and ways to boost body image and intimacy after major life transitions, experiencing loss or miscarriage.
We discuss:
Dr Jac's experience with miscarriage and her call to become an intimacy coach
Self-reflection, journalling and why the brain is where you start sexual self-care
Having conversations around sex
How body image and insecurities impact sex drive
The orgasm gap
How men feel about their partner's body-image struggles (in cisgender heteronormative relationships)
Unlearning sexual scripts we've learned from society
Spontaneous desire and responsive desire
Making intimacy a priority again eg after taking a break in the postpartum phase or beyond
Radical acceptance of body changes is work for each partner to do
What is sexual confidence?
Performing sex as an obligation even if it hurts or you don't want it
Why faking it is so detrimental
Surabhi's 28-day Pleasure Prompts Calendar
Connect with Dr Jac, free guide and Sexfirmation Cards®
Intimacy Coaching offered virtually worldwide
Final Thoughts with Dr Jac (on self-care, passion and strength)
Dr. Jac Bio
Dr. Jacqueline Sherman (aka Dr. Jac) is a licensed clinical psychologist, intimacy coach, and relationship expert based in Jacksonville, FL. She is passionate about helping women build confidence, and teaches couples all over the world how to have better relationships, and mind-blowing intimacy! In 2022, she released Sexfirmation Cards®, the first sexual wellness card deck for women. The deck helps women boost their sex confidence and enhance their intimacy by developing a practical sexual self-care practice!
Connect with Dr. Jac & Important Links:
Follow Dr. Jac on Instagram @drjacphd
Shop Sexfirmation Cards®: https://www.drjac.co/shop 15% Discount- Use Code SURABHI15
Visit Website at https://www.drjac.co/ for FREE GUIDE on 5 Ways to Have Better Sex
Interested in 1:1 or couples Intimacy Coaching? Visit https://www.drjac.co/oneononecoaching
Contact Email: hello@drjac.co
Connect with Surabhi:
Want moves to boost your libido and pleasure? Purchase my Reclaim your Pleasure workshop
Website: https://www.thepassionatephysio.ca
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[00:00:00] Teaser & Podcast Intro
Surabhi: [00:01:09] Hi everyone. This is Surabhi Veitch, your host back with another episode of Mom Strength. And I'm so excited to bring on Dr. Jac today, who's a licensed clinical psychologist, intimacy coach, and relationship expert based in Jacksonville, Florida. She's passionate about helping women build confidence and teaches couples all over the world how to have better relationships and more intentional intimacy.
In 2022, she released her Sexfirmation cards, which we're gonna find out about soon. The first sexual wellness card deck for women. Dr. Jac, thank you so much for coming on today. I'm so excited to have this conversation with you.
Dr Jac: Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.
Surabhi: I would love to find out what got you into the work of becoming an intimacy coach.
[00:01:54] Dr Jac's experience with miscarriage and her call to become an intimacy coach
Dr Jac: Yeah, so I am a licensed clinical psychologist by trade, and I still practice, but intimacy coaching is something that I feel like found me, mm-hmm through my own pain and through my own struggles, uh, with the sex life in my [00:02:09] marriage.
And so several years ago, and I shared this very transparently, um, I experienced a miscarriage and it completely shifted the way that our sex life was going. It shifted the way that I felt about my body. Um, it shifted. The anxiety that was related to sex, that came up for me and my desire completely changed and shifted.
And I've always been one of those girls who had more of a higher libido. Yeah. Um, and there's a spectrum when it comes to libido. Um, but sometimes, we, we tend to think that most women have low libidos. That's not necessarily true. Um, but I did experience a much lower libido and almost zero desire for sex.
And when I looked for resources, They were not exactly what I needed. So their, the resources were very external. Mm-hmm. And I think that external resources can be helpful, but none of them were helping me feel more sexually confident or getting connect or helping me get connected to my [00:03:09] sexual self. I really knew that for myself, I needed to start healing from the inside out.
So I really need to work. My relationship with sex, right? In terms of my mindset, my thoughts, how was my brain impacting my sex life? How were my thoughts around sex impacting the quality of sex that I was having? And was I being intentional about having conversations with my partner? Before the miscarriage, our sex life was going great, so we didn't talk about it all that much afterwards.
It was like the elephant in the room that we were avoiding talking about. And so I was very intentional about creating space and creating a routine in our relationship to have those conversations. And I also got really curious about my body. I started exploring my body and learning things about my body that I had not learned before.
And that exploration process really opened me up to a whole world of pleasure that I didn't know that existed before. So I really like to say like my pain turned into [00:04:09] purpose and I recognized that other women needed. Healing agents that really for focus more so on the internal process as well as the e the external process in terms of exploring one's body and not just necessarily techniques or tips on how to have better sex.
really like how do we understand our sexual selves? And I wanted to be able to provide that resource for other women. And when I started having conversations with women, they were like, this is exactly what I need. This is helpful, and this is an area that I hadn't considered and I, I didn't even know that, you know, sexual self-care was a thing.
And it is, and I think it's something that we leave out of the conversation when it comes to self-care in general.
Surabhi: Thank you for sharing that. I think a lot of my listeners will be able to resonate because so many people have miscarriages and losses and we don't talk about it openly and we don't talk about it spec specifically how it affects our relationships with ourselves and our partner, [00:05:09] and that sexual intimacy piece.
And thank you for, thank you for taking your pain and making it into such a purposeful and important conversation. And I love that you talk about it as self-care because to me the, the first thing I think of when we're marketed self-care is like, have a bubble bath or go to the spa, right? Yeah. Which, yes, it's, you know, that could be physical and mental rest.
It could be sexual self-care, but it's not specific enough for really cultivating your sexual in intimacy and self-care. So I love that you talk about that. Can you talk about examples of what would that look like and how. How would one go about starting that journey if let's say you grew up in a home where, like my home, we never talked about sex.
It was never talked about. And I love that you mentioned that it was all great until it wasn't great. Right? Until something happened. And I think so many of us are in, in that boat, is you don't even think about ever needing to talk about it cuz it's never an issue. [00:06:09] But then when it is, you don't have the skills to talk about it because you've never had to talk about it until then.
So I'd love to hear your, your thoughts on how you go about, first of all having that discussion with yourself, with your partner, and then building self-care, sexual routine.
Dr Jac: Yeah. So really good questions. And the thing is I often tell women have grace with their self because this is not a conversation that we have been primed at all to have.
And just like you mentioned, like there's just this expectation that when it comes to our sex life, There's no work that we need to do. It's just supposed to thrive. And it's the only aspect of us as human beings that we feel like it's just supposed to thrive on its own. Like you just, it just happens and, um, you know, society has perpetuated that image and it's just not true.
So I tell people, you know, for you it may not be a miscarriage, it may be I'm working a job and now I have a business and I don't have enough time [00:07:09] on my hands and my libido has completely changed. Maybe my partner's desire has changed and now we have these libido differences that really are impacting our relationship.
It could be that we've experienced grief, I've experienced grief or a loss in some way, and that's impacting my libido. It could be stress, it could be a. So many different things, and so I, I like to encourage women to get curious about what's ha, what may be happening for them, and to give theirself grace on that process.
A lot of times women come to me feeling like I'm broken. I'm not normal and something is wrong with me because they don't have this spontaneous high sex drive. And that could be further from the truth. It just really is that as we experience external stressors in life, it impacts our libido and it impacts our sex drive and how we feel about our sexual selves.
[00:08:01] Self-reflection, journalling and why the brain is where you start sexual self-care
Dr Jac: So typically what I tell individuals in terms of how to start this process is really to slow. Right. [00:08:09] Get silent, get connected with our thoughts, and really start the self-reflection process. There's actually a lot of research that shows that journaling about your sexual journey or your sex life is such a helpful practice because it really does help you get connected to a different sexual side of yourself, right?
Mm-hmm. And so it helps you really get connected to what are your thoughts about sex? And that's why I was very intentional when I created Sexfirmation cards to include a self-reflection process. So the card deck has three steps. Step one is self-reflection. These, this is a solo practice for you to start the practice of journaling about your sexual self.
Um, and there's 25 different cards that are going to help you reflect on things like, you know, how do I feel about my body? Do I show my body respect? How is my body image impacting sex? How has religion impacted my views on sex and how I show up as my [00:09:09] sexual self? What have I learned from friends and family and partners?
How comfortable do I feel having conversations around sex? How do I feel about my genitals? What is my relationship with them? Mm, yes. Right? Is there any shame that I need to release that's related to sex? What comes up when I think about being sexually confident? What does that even look like to me? What are some thoughts or some mindset blocks that maybe I need to get out and really sit with and create space for that may be impacting my sex life?
So I tell individuals that when you are starting to create a sexual self-care journey, don't even think about a partner. You don't need a partner to do this. This is a self-reflective process because you. In terms of understanding who you are, strengths that you bring to your sex life, maybe areas that you may wanna grow, awareness, that you may wanna have, insight, that you may wanna build, that's gonna be the first pro, the first step in the process.
So I [00:10:09] often encourage people to slow down pen and paper. Let's start to really think about your thoughts regarding sex. Our brain is our biggest sex organ, and so that's where you wanna start. Mm.
[00:10:19] Conversations around sex
Dr Jac: And then from there, I tell people start to have more conversations. again, with this, you can have a partner or you can be having these conversations with girlfriends, right?
You can take your bestie and say, you know what, let's go through these conversation cards and, and learn a little bit about one another. We can normalize things for one another, but we're also, at the same time, we're building a skillset of talking about sex. That is a skillset and we often don't have it.
Even someone who, myself, licensed psychologists have talked about sex before. Um, but again, until something really devastating happened, I didn't recognize that there was certain language I didn't have, and certain things that felt so uncomfortable to bring up that I really needed to develop a practice to be able to have those [00:11:09] conversations more regularly and with more ease.
So those are oftentimes the two places that I tell people to start self-reflection conversation. And then in terms of my framework, the next piece is now let's explore and get curious and learn more about our binding, our pleasure.
Surabhi: I love that. Going back to what you said about, you know, it starts from pausing and going within, I think so much of our lives were told that you just have to do X, y, z, try this position, this technique.
Um, the fix quick solution. And then the other part of it is we're comparing our current, like I'm almost 37, we're comparing our, you know, 30 year old, 40 year old self to maybe how we felt when we were 19, when we had no real responsibilities, no pressures, you know, you, your body just worked right, for many people.
And you're comparing, you're like, how come it's not like that anymore, but you haven't considered, oh, well look at what has happened in my life since then. Look at all of the stressors, right? Stress is [00:12:09] a mood killer. It's a pleasure killer in, in sexual and non-sexual pleasure, right? It just takes the joy out of your life.
Um, chronic unmanaged stress, and I love that you talk about the journaling part. I've never actually considered that to that detail. And I love that you give those prompts for those listening. I think that's a really powerful tool because often we know the answers that we need. We just don't pause to let ourselves come up with those answers about, you know, what is really restricting our sexual confidence and what are our insecurities about our bodies?
[00:12:44] How body image and insecurities impacts sex drive
Surabhi: Um, I know a lot of my clients who are pregnant or they're postpartum, their body image is totally shifted. Mm-hmm. , even someone who's like, I never thought of myself as somebody who's struggled with body image, but now I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. A lot of it is, they don't feel like they're deserving of pleasure.
They don't feel like they're Confident. Right? Like, because our picture of sexual [00:13:09] confidence that we often picture is what we see in the movies. Mm-hmm. , young, thin, perky, no stretch marks and we're sold that message repeatedly our entire lives. So we truly learn to believe that ourselves, unless we stop to reflect on that.
Can you talk about how that body insecurity and body image relates to then sexual confidence and sex drive?
Dr Jac: Yeah. You know, it is such an important piece and to your point. Society does a great job of convincing us that we need to be perfect in order to be receiving and deserving of pleasure.
And that oftentimes is like one of the sexual scripts that a lot of women particularly hold, is that their body needs to look a certain way in order to be desirable. And it is further from the truth. And you know, I work with a lot of moms, and they, they will say like, I, I had to start to[00:14:09] recognize a), that my body is beautiful, um, that my body has now given life and what an amazing experience to be able to have had.
And also I have to recondition for myself. What my standard of beauty is, right? Mm-hmm. I don't have to download and I don't have to accept the world. Especially the western world. Yes. These European standards of beauty. Exactly. I can define for myself what's beautiful and I think that that can be such a transformational process for women and give them the permission to receive the pleasure that they truly, truly desire.
Um, because one of the things that I will find is that a lot of times what's happening, right?
[00:14:54] The orgasm gap
Dr Jac: When we think about things, for example, like the orgasm, that gap that exists mm-hmm. , basically what that is for, for anyone listening that doesn't know, is when you look at cisgender heterosexual women who are having sex with men, there's this huge gap that [00:15:09] exists where men are orgasming about 90% of the time, and women are orgasming about 60 ish percent of the time.
So there's a gap there. Right.
Surabhi: Which I actually think that gap is like, I think it's even worse. Right.
Dr Jac: I'm surprised when I heard the numbers, I'm like, are you sure? Cause I you the math's not mathing.
Surabhi: Exactly. I'm like, I, I feel like it should be 20%. Or like, you know, i, I remember reading something about how many, um, vulva owners don't know where their clitoris is.
And I'm like, if you yourself don't know where your clitoris is, Like, you're probably not experiencing an orgasm, right? Like yes, . Yes.
Dr Jac: Absolutely. That is like, why isn't that information ? It's purposeful that that information is not shared as much as, oh yeah, it should be. Right? Our sex education is so male pleasure focused.
Oh yeah. And then we wonder why a lot of times women are like, I don't know what I like, I don't know what I want. I haven't explored Yeah. We haven't been given the tools and the resources.
Surabhi: Oh, I love that you put it that way. It takes the [00:16:09] self shame and the self blame out of it.
Dr Jac: Yeah. Yeah. Like, can you blame yourself for not really understanding how to reach orgasm or how to have optimal pleasure if you've never been taught and everything that you have been taught has been focused on the penis or male pleasure . Right. Um, so it, it creates also this lack of desire, right? Do I really wanna show up to a party when I'm not celebrated?
Surabhi: Right. Right.
Dr Jac: Um, and so I think that, you know, to circle back around to, you know, body image, how we feel about our body is going to show up in the bedroom. There's also a lot of research that will show that our overall self-esteem impacts our sexual confidence. And so something that I often find is a lot of women are showing up and instead of being present, they're trying to be perfect.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , they're worried about,
Surabhi: they're sucking in,
Dr Jac: they're like, yes, they're sucking in. And they're like, oh, what about my stretch marks? Oh, what about this back roll? Or, what about, and what [00:17:09] happens is you're spectator, meaning that you're watching yourself have sex versus actually being present in your body and receiving the amount of pleasure that is available to you.
Surabhi: Wow. That is powerful because it's, it's the truth. I, I've experienced that personally. Mm-hmm. , it's like, oh, I gotta, you know, choose this position because it's the most attractive or, and. Then you, you take yourself out of self, right? You're literally taking your, your brain and you're removing it from your body's experience.
And I think that's something, I don't know, I'm sure men do this too, but it probably affects us more because of that European standard of beauty that we see that people like you and I, we don't even, we never fit that standard of beauty to begin with, right? Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . So we have to cultivate that sense of self and sense of beauty from ourselves, from within, because we can't wait for society to say, okay, yes, yes.
Now you're beautiful or, yes, yes, now we accept you. It's gotta come from [00:18:09] that process and that journey within.
[00:18:11] How males feel about their partner's body-image strugglers (cisgender heteronormative relationships)
Surabhi: Um, how do you find, cuz you, you mentioned you worked with couples as well. I'm so curious how. The male partners, because oftentimes it is the male partner, how they feel about this, this whole journey because what is their work or is their work that they have to do as well in this process?
Dr Jac: Yes, so this is such a good question. A lot of the couples that I work with are coming from a heteronormative lens. Um, so I work with a lot of couples that are in male female relationships.
And so what one of the things that I'll do oftentimes is meet with the woman first for a couple of sessions where we're working on some of the mindset blocks, the shame, the guilt that may be coming up. A lot of times people are coming to me and they're experiencing low libido, but they're beating theirself up yes.
Because of it, feeling that something is wrong with them. And so I really work with them to help them become aware of the mindset blocks that they're experiencing and how [00:19:09] that's impacting their overall desire. Then I bring their partner in for the remaining sessions, and one of the things that often comes up is that the male partner will be really shocked.
To actually learn some of the mindset blocks that their partner is experiencing. And so when they, for example, will learn like that, their partner doesn't feel sexy or feels like, their body isn't good enough, they're really blown away because they can't get enough of their partner's body oftentimes, right?
Wow. They're feeling like their partner's body is beautiful and that they desire it so much. Um, and so it's oftentimes like an awakening moment where the partner is really learning. Like how society in general has impacted their partner in terms of how they view their sexual self. Wow.
Um, and a lot of times it's not even something that they had considered like, oh, I thought that you [00:20:09] were not wanting sex because you didn't want me and cause you didn't love me, but I hadn't recognized that you weren't feeling comfortable in your body and that your, since, you know, since we had kids, your body has changed and that is impacting your desire because you're trying to be perfect for me.
And so it really does create a much deeper conversation around sex. A lot of times what I find is that couples are having conflict, right? When, especially if there's a libido difference where, you know, one partner is wanting sex a lot more than the other. And again, in the context of the work that I do, a lot of times that's the male partner wanting sex a lot more than the female partner and the male partner is feeling like, I just don't think that I'm good enough.
I don't think that my partner desires me. I don't think that they're attracted to me, and that is definitely not true. Um, but once they start to learn that there's some things that are happening underneath the hood, um, underneath the surface that they're not, that they, they're not even aware of [00:21:09] privy to.
Yeah, it changes the dynamic. It changes the understanding. It changes the way that they're able to validate their partner's experience. Um, and they also learn the differences in libidos. That's something that I really, really try to communicate to my partners that everybody doesn't have a spontaneous libido.
[00:21:27] Unlearning sexual scripts we've learned from society
Dr Jac: And again, we have been conditioned to believe that we're supposed to want sex spontaneously. We're supposed to have this high sex drive. And a lot of times for a lot of the women that I work with, they have more of a responsive desire, meaning that they need to be warmed up. There needs to be arousal.
First, and then their body starts to desire sex. And once the male partner can learn about these differences, they can approach sex much more differently. They also need to learn and understand that communication is a really important part of foreplay. It's not just that three to four minutes before you have penetrative sex.
And that's a whole nother thing. I help people redefine. Like, what is sex and what's the spectrum? Because sex equaling [00:22:09] penetration is also a script that we've been fed. Yes. And it's really male centered. Yes. So there's a lot of work for them to do as well. In terms of really recognizing, you know, my privilege when it comes to our sexual relationship, there's a lot of male privilege that a lot of times men don't recognize until they, they really slow down and start to hear some of the inner thoughts and feelings that their partner may be experiencing if they have a female partner.
And when you're saying all this, I don't remember any movies that are like blockbuster hits where they talk about the women's insecurities internally, maybe very superficially about body image, but like really talking about some of these inner thoughts, the self shaming thoughts, the inner mean voice that we, that we use to speak to ourselves.
Because how would men know this, right? Mm-hmm. , we, if we, if we've never communicated this with them, they wouldn't know this from society or movies or, you know, general [00:23:09] knowledge because it's just all held within. And even when you mention about your Sexfirmation cards and talking about it with a girlfriend, that probably builds a lot of confidence and communication because it's so much easier to talk to girlfriends about this.
Absolutely when, when you always talk to them about this kind of stuff anyways and takes a lot of vulnerability to then open up that conversation with, with your partner and it probably deepens the connection in your relationship when you actually are able to be honest about some of these things. I love that you talk about how the men are kind of blown, right?
Like they, they're not even even aware that the women are experiencing these types of struggles. Um, that's powerful cuz that is something that I wish more people considered is hiring and working with an intimacy coach, a psychologist as well. You know, there's a lot of mind, components to sex.
We all think it's just the pelvic floor, and just the techniques, and that [00:24:09] is a part of it, right? We talk about certainly building, building libido through exercise, through body confidence, through getting to know your vulva. That's all that external stuff that you were talking about, but it has to come from that internal within first.
[00:24:22] Sponatenous desire and responsive desire
Dr Jac: Can you talk a little bit about you mentioned the word responsive desire and spontaneous. Um, what is, what are examples of.
Yeah. So for example, spontaneous desire. The example I like to give is imagine that you're at work, you're responding to, you know, 50 emails, and all of a sudden sex pops into your mind.
You're like, oh, I think I definitely want some tonight. Right? That's spontaneous desire. It comes outta nowhere. You're not really primed for it. Your mind starts to think about sex before your body is ready. So, for example, someone who may have that thought, thinking about a male, for example. A male may be writing a email, may have that thought.
It's not that he necessarily has an erection, but sex is on his mind. Hmm. And so the desire is present. So that is [00:25:09] how for a lot of men, and I don't wanna overgeneralize in terms of gender, but research does show a lot more men do experience more spontaneous libido or spontaneous desire. And so that's what that would look like.
Now responsive desire is the complete opposite. Um, so what that means is that for a lot of people with responsive desire, there needs to be some type of priming that then elicits to the mind, oh, sex would be nice, right? So for example, maybe you're watching a steamy scene on tv. I don't know about you guys, but I've been watching Sex Life and it's been amazing.
I'm in a long term, I'm in a long distance relationship. So, um, it's nice to watch people get it on and, and, um, yeah, you know, they have very steamy scenes in there, and I'm like, oh, okay. I'm watching this. Starting to think about sex, right? Or your partner does something really sweet for you. Like you, you go to work and there's flowers there waiting for you with a nice card saying like, [00:26:09] I just appreciate how dedicated of a mom and partner you are.
Right? Oh wow. That feels really good. You feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood. You start to think like, oh man, I wanna connect like physically, like I, I I could use some sex. So there's things like that. There's physically warming your partner up, so you know, maybe you're taking a shower with your partner and the way that they're rubbing on your shoulders and kissing your neck and, touching your breasts makes your brain then say, oh, I think that sex would be amazing.
Right? And so oftentimes for responsive desire, there needs to be a different type of priming that is not necessary. More individuals that have more of a spontaneous desire. And so for most couples, a lot of times there's a mismatch, right? So one person has more spontaneous libido, the other person has more responsive libido, and that can cause conflicts in the relationship.
Because the way that we have been socialized, what we see in the movies is spontaneous desire. It's like both people look at [00:27:09] each other. It's like the look equals, we want sex right now. And they start like going at it .
It's like in the middle of a field, no matter where it is.
Yeah. Pulling each other's clothes off.
Um, you know, putting the person on the fence like that typically is again, that, that can happen. That's hot, that's sexy. I'm here for it. But oftentimes normal day-to-day, that's not how things. Right. And so I think also being able to understand those differences is really powerful because individuals with a responsive desire, experience a whole lot more shame when it comes to their desire and their libido.
It's like, whoa, what's wrong with you? You never want sex. But when you really peel back those layers, it's that they may not necessarily be having the necessary intimacy deposits that are necessary for them to start to feel sexual.
Surabhi: My gosh. And they may different, this is so powerful.
And because then that takes away that like you are the problem and just says you are just a, you are [00:28:09] just a different, like you've just never been talked about. People like you have never been talked about in, in the media, in society. So of course you think you're the problem when you're not. Actually, there's probably.
Half the population is probably like that, right? I don't know what the exact percentage, but it would Yeah. Seem like a lot of people.
Now, does that desire responsive and spontaneous? Does that change with age, with through your life or is that like if you've always had a more um, you know, spontaneous desire that's more likely to persist through your entire life, how does that work?
Dr Jac: Yeah, good question. It can change, right? Okay. So it can change from day to day. Um, and so I think that that's also something that's important cuz like you mentioned before, a lot of times what happens is we are reflecting on our. 18, 19, 21 year old self and like, hey, my desire was super spontaneous then.
In fact, I had a, um, I had a call with a client the other day and we just took a moment to [00:29:09] sit in, in sadness that she was experiencing as a result of hearing this information and reflecting on, wow, like my desire used to be really spontaneous and it's just not anymore. Now I'm a physician. I have a really busy schedule.
I have a three-year-old, you know, I have friends that I'm trying to keep up with. Like, I just feel like sex is the last thing that's on my mind, but it used to be on my mind a lot. And so also we wanna give ourselves grace with, as our life changes, as our circumstances change, as our stressors change, as our body changes, our libido can change.
And I think for a lot of people that they can experience shame as a result of that versus, I wish it was just really taught. Talked about, you know, how normal it is for our libido to look different based off of what's going on in our life. Right? I tell people often, I want you to imagine that you went on a vacation, you were in a beautiful location.
It was just you and your partner. You, you know, you weren't receiving any [00:30:09] emails like you were off the grid and it was just you two connecting. Do you think that you would want sex? And they're like, yeah, I would. Yes. Yeah, , right? And so it's not necessarily that something's internally wrong, wrong with you, right?
Right. Quote unquote. It is that oftentimes our lives are set up, so our circumstances are not necessarily supporting us to experience more of a spontaneous libido. Also, our partner may be communicating with us like we're supposed to have a spontaneous libido, and not recognizing that a responsive libido may need something different.
Surabhi: Right. And that's where I think it's powerful because you. You build so much resentment when you think the other person is not giving you what you need because they don't want to, or that they don't mm-hmm. want to please you or they don't care about you. Right. Versus they just have no idea that this is how I need to be held or cared for or seen.
[00:31:05] Making intimacy a priority again eg after taking a break in the postpartum phase or beyond
Surabhi: Right. I find a lot of, um, [00:31:09] the moms that I work with, particularly, there is a postpartum phase where if you're breastfeeding, for example, if you're chest feeding mm-hmm. , there is a lower sex drive, lower libido, and it's hard to get out of that, especially in the first few months. You might, you might be like, this is not a priority and that's fair.
Mm-hmm. , but then it gets into this pattern of like, oh, it's not been a priority now for three months, now for six months, now for nine months, now for a year. And then you're like, okay, but when, how do you get this going again when it's been, so it's like when you haven't worked out in two years and suddenly you're trying to get back to it.
Right. Like, how do you get that intimacy going again?
Dr Jac: Oh, I love this question. Um, and, and I love that example, right? Because I want you to imagine you haven't worked out for two years, but you tell yourself, I'm gonna run two miles tomorrow. , right? not stopping, right? I'm not gonna stop either.
I'm gonna run two miles straight, , and so, or you know, I'm gonna lift, I don't know, a hundred pounds when I'm [00:32:09] squatting, , whatever it may be, right? You want to start where at a level where you can start to build some self-efficacy. That's gonna be really important. And so you don't have to necessarily have this goal-oriented, um, outcome, but really like where can you start that feels really doable and like something that you can start to build your confidence with.
So I often tell people, like, start with redefining for yourself what sex looks like. Again, we oftentimes have the sexual script that sex equals penetration. That penetration can be with a toy, with a finger, with a, with a penis. But a lot of times when women start there and like decipher themselves, okay, sex is gonna be other things.
Like, there's other ways that I can experience pleasure. I can experience oral pleasure, you know, I can, you know, lay with my partner's skin to skin naked and that can be pleasurable for me. Like we can do genital massages. Like there's so many other [00:33:09] ways. Like we can do pleasure mapping, we can explore each other's body, um, you know, using temperature play.
We can make out like there, there's a menu of options that can help you connect to. Your sexual self as well as connect sexually with your partner. And so I think what happens oftentimes is that when women are trying to reconnect, right? When sex hasn't been a priority, and they're like, you know what? I do wanna start to make this more of a priority in my life.
This is important to me. I oftentimes say, don't start with, you know, penetration being the goal. Start with like, how can I, how can I start to connect sexually in a way that actually gets me feeling excited and work my way towards maybe penetration or some other sex goal that you have? So I tell people, take the pressure off, like, pressure is the, is one of the biggest libido killers and it ain't sexy.
And so like, what are, what are ways that you can just carve out time to [00:34:09] create sexual intimacy with your partner versus quote unquote having sex? And that can oftentimes be something that individuals. Actually look forward to, there's less pressure, there's less expectation for something to happen, and there's more of an ability to just connect physically and to explore and to see what you like.
Surabhi: That's beautiful. I, um, I often say, you know, redefining sex for yourself is one of the most important things and redefining what pleasure means to you. And because we so often think that if we cannot have penetrative sex, we're failing. And this, especially for people who have pain with sex or any type of scar tissue, whether through a surgery or childbirth, then they think they can't have sex.
And I'm like, you can still have sex, right? Just because you can't have penetrative sex does not mean you cannot experience pleasure. And that's a big like, ooh, like I can still be a sexual being. And I love that you talk about just even laying together, having a massage, there's so many other [00:35:09] options. And, um, we would never go run into a two mile, you know, run or jump into a two mile run or a 45 minute workout for the first time if we haven't done that in like two years or a year or six months.
And so we cannot expect ourselves to just go all in and, you know, turn around, snap our fingers and everything, be um, we'd be different again. And I love that that's a practice that you work on.
[00:35:35] Radical acceptance of body changes is work for each partner to do
Surabhi: I have a question about within a relationship context. I know so many relationships struggle, you know, through the pandemic and, you mentioned long distance and even just the changing intimacy levels through this whole period of time.
Um, a lot of couples may feel like there's, you know, one person that's putting in the effort sexually. Mm-hmm. . Um, and I've actually heard from women that their partners feel like they're not putting the effort because their bodies look different and their bodies used to look, quote, unquote, fit before having kids, and now their bodies [00:36:09] don't.
Mm-hmm. , and I think even from a male lens, they have been programmed to believe that a woman's body should look a certain way. Right. So I feel like that conversation has to be a mindset change on both parties for the, for the women to accept her body is beautiful, and for the male to accept that bodies are supposed to change through their lives.
Are these conversations that, um, you have with your clients, do these come up?
Dr Jac: Yeah. So I will say that I think one of the most vulnerable things that we can do is talk about sex, but also talk about our body. It's, it's, it's, it's a difficult conversation to have. And so these type of conversations have certainly come up and one of the things that I will.
Say is that I tell people when you're having these type of conversations, um, to make sure that you're kind of like starting the conversation in a way where you're acknowledging like, this is a hard conversation. This is a hard [00:37:09] ass conversation. Like, I feel uncomfortable having this conversation and this dialogue to you.
This is very vulnerable to me. That can then prime your partner to recognize that it's really important to protect your emotions during the conversation. Yeah,
Surabhi: to not be.
Dr Jac: Yeah. You know, um, because I think that sometimes what can happen and, and what I've seen is that, you know, a couple will come in and what they'll notice is that their body has changed because they've had, you know, a baby, but their partner is, for example, you know, sending them different workouts.
But you know, the person who's, who's doing the workouts, you know, is fit, maybe never has had any kids. Their body was completely different than their partner. And so they're downloading the message like, oh, this is what you find attractive. Right? And this is hurtful to me because my body doesn't look like that, but they're not necessarily having the conversation around that and how that, that makes them feel.
And so I do think that on both ends, like we [00:38:09] have to really get clear, um, and, and own that. Our bodies change over time. And women particularly, with birthing a human , the expectation that your body's gonna look the same afterwards, that it did beforehand is the biggest joke. And, we have all of these ideas of like snap back culture and all of that.
Oh yeah. I feel like that is so harmful because it gives a prescription to, you know, what your body's supposed to look like afterwards and how long it's supposed to take to get there. When in reality after you have a child, you are no longer the same person. Right. And that means mind, body, spiritually, physically.
And so I think that one, doing the self-reflective work to have radical acceptance with what that means for you. And when I say radical acceptance, I, meaning there may be some aspects of it that. You don't necessarily like, but if you're able to accept mm-hmm. Um, what things [00:39:09] have changed versus fight it, yes, you are going to create so much more peace with your nervous system.
Yes. And then once you come to that realization, then being able to as, as best as you can, communicate with your partner. Um, and, you know, one of the things that I just wanna highlight, and, and I'm hesitant sometimes to say this because I just don't want people to receive it the wrong way, but, I think that it's also helpful if you have a male partner to also have grace with them as they learn to accept your new body, right?
Mm-hmm. , think about yourself, right? When you look in the mirror and you may not recognize your body because you've given birth to a baby and your body has changed, like your brain kind of goes into some shock. Like it takes some time for you to get to a place where you're able to, to, you know, hopefully get to a place where there's, there's love and there's self-love, and there's acceptance, right?
Expecting your partner to immediately be there. Right. It's [00:40:09] oftentimes unfair, right? Giving them some time, like, I know I'm experiencing this and we may be having like this counter transference experience where, you know, you're also, you know, kind of looking at me and like, Ooh, okay. Um, this is different.
Yeah. Right. And so I think kind of allowing your partner, especially if it's coming from a loving place, to have their own personal reactions and to get to a place where they're, they're building their acceptance is also Wow. Really helpful. Versus just expecting them to immediately like have this certain response to your body that you expect them to.
And
Surabhi: I love that. I've never considered that, by the way. So I think that's a very powerful thing. And you're right. Why would we expect somebody else to immediately love this change when they also, they too, have been programmed to believe that women's bodies are not supposed to change, that we're supposed to look this certain way.
And I think that is, That can be really hard for, um, for both parties to, you know, just [00:41:09] to learn to love and accept. And I think that process too, of self-acceptance, postpartum, like I work with women with prolapse, pelvic organ prolapse mm-hmm. , so they're so self-conscious about what they look like down there if they have scar tissue.
That journey takes time. And I think often we expect it to just six weeks postpartum. We should be there, oh, three months postpartum. We should be there. This may take months, this may take a long time, but there's work that you could be doing in that, in that time to work towards self-acceptance versus just waiting for the day that it magically happens on its own.
Right. Absolutely. Cause I think we need to take that more active approach to self-love, more active approach to these conversations versus hoping that, uh, one day spontaneous, libido will just magically appear again. You know? And that was me for a while, especially after my first child. I was like, oh yeah, things will just get back to normal when my body returns to normal.
And then it never did right. That normal had changed. And then after my second, it had changed even more drastically. And [00:42:09] it's learning to accept yourself at each stage. And I'm finding personally that as I learn to love myself and accept myself as I am, my sense of confidence grows in all areas of my life.
As a parent, as a partner, as a business owner, that confidence, like body image impacts so much, right? Our sexual confidence impacts so much, and I think that we often think that it only relates to the sex that we're having, but it relates to so much outside of that. Um, thank you. I've never heard someone mention that in that way, and I think that you talk about it with so much love and kindness, and I think that that's something that a lot of people need to explore.
I mean, maybe when my kids grow up, that would never have to be a conversation because they will have grown up with the message that all bodies are normal. Like that's ideal, right? Yeah. But that's not the world we currently live in. We still have to work within these systems to [00:43:09] unlearn those messages that have been programmed into us of what we're supposed to look like.
You know, one of my clients said, um, she's, she hasn't had a child, but her body's changed a lot over the pandemic. And her partner had said something similar, right? Like, um, here's some workouts. you've stopped taking care of yourself. You've let yourself go, you know, from a place probably of concern, maybe not in that tone mm-hmm.
but probably a place of concern. And like, what's happening, you know, this is not who you used to be, but the way that person perceived it was, I'm no longer attracted to you and your body. Right? So there's that huge disconnect and that's when I'm like, please go see a couples counselor, an intimacy coach, because this is outside my scope.
But I think that these conversations happen more often than we think. right behind closed doors, and there's so many hurting people that feel like something's wrong with them or their partners think something's wrong with them when the actual conversation is about something else.
Dr Jac: Yeah. Yes, [00:44:09] good point. And I think that a lot of people will feel really healed and like their relationship is normal.
And just full disclosure, one of the most difficult conversations that my partner and I have ever had was a, around just what you said, it's like I'm noticing that you're not taking care of yourself as much, and that was such a difficult conversation and there was truth to it. Right. I was grieving from a miscarriage.
After my miscarriage. I gained about 30, 35 pounds and I stopped working out for a really long time and I had other stressors that was going on in my life. And my partner, of course, still loved me and accepted my body, but also had to have a really honest conversation around, I do feel like my desire for you is changing, not because I don't think that you're beautiful, but because the person that I fell in love with mm-hmm.
enjoyed taking care of theirself. Right. Wow. And that's a turn on to me. Yes. And when I say that, that conversation was hard, [00:45:09] it was hard, but I'm so glad that we had it. And my encouragement is like, we gotta have more difficult conversations with our partners. Sometimes there's things that we don't necessarily wanna hear, but there can be healing on the other side, especially if it's coming from a loving, compassionate place.
Surabhi: Wow. Yeah. That would be a very hard conversation. But you know, I often think about it even from, uh, like I have a brother, right? He went through a stressor in his life and he stopped working out. Mm-hmm. , you know? Mm-hmm. , he, his body changed. And it wasn't even about the outward appearance, just who he was changing.
When you love someone, you do talk about these things cuz you care for them. So it's not like I was saying, oh you are, you know, terrible human now you, you're not doing this. It's more like what's going on, right? Like you're literally asking out of concern. And when it's a platonic or sibling relationship, we don't think too much about it, but then suddenly it becomes an intimate relationship and we feel like it's bad to have these same conversations when it's really coming from a place of love.
And you [00:46:09] know, there are certain types of people who work out and have that motivation and that's the person you fell in love with. You'd be concerned when they suddenly stopped caring for themselves in the same way. Not because their bodies changed, but just because they're not doing those things. And yeah, I went through a phase where I.
Didn't know what brought me joy anymore because all the things that did I couldn't do with a baby. I couldn't leave the house for that long cause I was breastfeeding. I couldn't, I didn't have the strength to go rock climbing cuz my body was so much weaker. And so I had to start cultivating strength from within, working out at home, changing what I, what brought me joy before so that I could get to back to those things that I wanted to do.
And oftentimes so many people don't realize that they have to put in that work. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. to get there. Right? To if, if you want your sex life to look a certain way, if you liked how it was, then you might have to change it up and do something else now to get back there. Same thing with exercise.
Mm-hmm. , right? You wanna get back to running. You can't leave for two hours at a time. You might have to [00:47:09] start working on your treadmill at home, do jumping jacks at home, start strength training at home. And then when your baby's older or when you have that less stressful job, or a period of time when you can actually go out and live the things that you wanna do, you're able to do it physically.
I absolutely.
[00:47:27] What is sexual confidence?
Surabhi: Can you define or not define, what do you think is sexual confidence? What, what relates to sexual
Dr Jac: confidence? Yeah. So my definition of sexual confidence is really simple. Um, but it is knowing what is true. And what I mean by that is knowing what is true about your body's ability to access pleasure.
Mm-hmm. , knowing what is true about what it is that turns you on and off, knowing what it is, what is true about your body and how beautiful it is. Um, knowing what is true about your ability to ask for what it is that you want. And so I think that oftentimes, especially for women, we don't feel that we have the [00:48:09] authority.
And so sexual confidence means that, you know, and understand that even though society is trying to tell me all of these negative things about my body, about my desire, about my libido, about who I am as a sexual person and the shame that exists just in general for women wanting to be sexual, being able to truly know what is true mm-hmm.
And being able to stand in that in a way where you are able to cut out the outside noise and really connect with your inner sexual self. That's powerful.
Surabhi: I don't know if I ever had a definition for it. I always just thought, oh yeah, that person's, you know, exudes confidence. It's like something we feel they exude, but it's knowing what's true within, right.
It's, it's not a performance, outward performance for anyone else. It's yourself knowing what you like, what touch you don't like, what turns you on, what doesn't turn you on.
[00:49:04] Performing sex as an obligation even if it hurts or you don't want it
Surabhi: And this brings me back to, um, there are many, many, many [00:49:09] vulva owners who have sex when they don't want it, have sex when it hurts.
Mm-hmm. because they feel like they have to deliver something for their partners. And that, um, is problematic because that's what our society and religion in some many religions, you know, there's these arbitrary, uh, unwritten rules or written rules even about a woman's role. Can you talk about how that impacts true sexual confidence and, um, self-esteem?
Dr Jac: Oh yeah. So, you know, thinking about those unwritten rules, you know, one of them that I hear is, you know, when your male partner wants sex, then you have to deliver. Yeah. Right? You have to show up if, if, if you don't do it somebody else will. Right? Yeah. So these are some messages. There's that fear that,
Surabhi: oh well he'll go find it somewhere else, right?
Dr Jac: Yes. Yes. And that's a whole nother conversation. And I just wanna say that if that is the case, then your partner lacks a lot of discipline and understanding, and that's a deeper conversation.
So [00:50:09] when individuals are having sex and they're in pain, or they're doing it from a performative aspects and they don't necessarily wanna be there, what's happening is thinking back to that definition of what is sexual confidence, knowing what is true, right?
Your body is very telling. And so if you are feeling like I do not wanna have sex, and you know that that is your truth, and you're unwilling to stand in your truth because you're prioritizing somebody else's pleasure. Mm-hmm. That is the opposite of sexual confidence. Right? And so I'm not saying that there can't be ways that you can still build physical intimacy if that is what your partner is wanting.
Sure. You know, again, thinking about a sexual menu and other things that you can engage in, but you have to really think, you know, am I prioritizing myself when I'm saying yes just to please my partner? And that answer is no. And so again, thinking back to using as your foundation, what is true for you? [00:51:09] If what's true for you in this moment is that I don't feel desirous because I need more help around this house.
Hmm. You know, I, that's, I feel like I'm not supported. I feel like my partner doesn't help me, but they're wanting something from me. Then being able to have that conversation and to be able to state your needs, not necessarily using sex as a transaction, but saying these are the ways that I need to be intimately filled up in order to feel more desire.
Those conversations going to are gonna be really important. And so I tell people that if you're having sex just to check it off of a list because it's what your partner wants. What's gonna happen over time is that's gonna build resentment in your relationship. A lot of times you're not having those conversations, so you're suffering in silence and eventually it is going to bubble over and it's gonna cause a lot of conflict in your relationship.
So instead, I encourage individuals to start to have a really hon honest conversation about their sex life [00:52:09] and really rooting that in what they know to be true from their own self-reflection regarding their sexual journey.
[00:52:17] Why faking it is so detrimental
Surabhi: And I do think that, um, I have a client who's like, yeah, my husband would be shocked if he knew that I didn't really find it pleasurable, but I don't wanna tell him because I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
Right. So there's a lot of, a lot of people who are performing Yeah. When they don't really want it. It's not really pleasurable. Maybe it's not painful, but it's not pleasurable. Mm-hmm. because they've never asked for what they actually want. And I. I always encourage, like, your partner will want you to actually feel pleasure, not perform pleasure, but they'll, they'll be so happy when you feel real, genuine pleasure, a real orgasm, not a fake performance.
Dr Jac: But this is the thing. You know, a little bit sad, but also funny men don't have a clue. . So , is that right? I thought they would, they don't have a clue.
So I, it, it is interesting. I was having a [00:53:09] conversation with a couple that I'm coaching recently, and they are even, you know, they've been married for several years and early on in the relationship she was faking it. And to your point, it was like I was faking it because I just kind of wanted you to feel like I really liked it.
I didn't have as much confidence then to tell you that I wasn't faking it. You would always ask me did I orgasm. And so I kind of just fell into this role of faking it for a while. And then she was honest later on in the relationship. So he was blown away. He didn't know the difference.
But it's harmed the relationship because in the present now he's always like, well, did you really like it or did you not? Yeah, right. The trust, right. Yeah. It, it, it can definitely damage trust and as women. Right. There's so many myths that need to be debunked about female sexuality and female pleasure.
And I have so much grace for women who, you know, are, are faking it, currently. Have faked it. I've definitely faked it in the past. Um, but [00:54:09] really the way that we change history is by getting honest. Hmm. Um, well not change history, but don't repeat it. Right? Yeah. And so I think that again, thinking about sexual confidence rooted in knowing what is true and being able to articulate what is true.
Um, we gotta get away from faking it, ladies. Um, because I, in my experience, the men don't have a clue whether you're faking it or not, . Um, and so you're doing yourself a disservice because the more you're faking it, the less access to pleasure that you're actually gonna have.
Surabhi: I love that. I use an analogy often.
Um, you know, I'm like, what's your favorite food? Right? And I'm like, I don't know. I like so many things. But let's just say today. Chocolate cake. Yeah. And let's say you go to someone's house and they serve you like, I hate mushrooms. So let's say they serve you mushroom cake. Imagine you're like, oh my God, I love this so much.
And every time you're like, I love it. And then every time you go over, they're serving you mushroom cake. Cuz you said you liked it, but you're like, I hate this. I wish I [00:55:09] just had chocolate cake. That wouldn't make sense, right? You wouldn't do that. Like, nobody would go and lie and say they love something that they absolutely hate it.
But then when we go into the bedroom, we're doing the exact same thing, right? It's, we're, we're seeing something. We're like, no, no, I know I like this, but I'm afraid to ask for it. I'm, I'm telling them that like, I like what they're doing, even though it's uncomfortable, it's kind of frictiony, it's rubbing me the wrong way, but I'm just gonna ignore that because I love this person so much.
Right? And it's when we remove the context from sex to food or sex to something else, if you're like, I hated that workout class, I never wanna do it again, nobody would take it personally, right? Mm-hmm. , but suddenly we're, we're thinking that we have to fake it all the time.
Right?
Dr Jac: Oh my God, I love that example. May I steal that? Because I, it's such a great example. Um, and I think people can relate to it so much and I think it goes back to people pleasing. Yeah. And a lot of times, like, we wanna protect the male ego. And my question is, at what [00:56:09] expense? At what expense? Because it's our pleasure that's then impacted as a result of that.
Surabhi: Absolutely. And I think that when we're not experiencing pleasure, it impacts our health, like our cardiovascular health, our mental health, our physical health, and. All of that matters, right? Like all of that actually matters. It's not just about faking it in bed. That impacts the rest of your life too.
Your people pleasing behaviors, right? Then you're doing that to your kids, right? You're, you're wanting to serve them. You never want them to be upset. And that's if we wanna change it's history, you're right. We have to change what we do, our actions. So we not repeating the same, uh, mistakes that maybe our mothers or our grandmothers had to make cuz they had no other choice.
We have choice. And so I love that.
[00:56:56] Dr. Jac's Sexfirmation Cards
Surabhi: I love this whole conversation. Can you talk a bit more about your deck?
Dr Jac: Yes. Um, so Sexfirmation cards are, They're really a guide to [00:57:09] be able to help women to create a sexual self-care practice. Um, I'm so proud that they're the first sexual wellness card that's created for women, and I made it very tangible and very practical.
And so it's a three step process to building sexual confidence into increasing intimacy and boosting and enhancing intimacy. And the steps are self-reflection. That's gonna be step number one. So as we talked about here, , being able to stop, slow down and understand the thoughts that are impacting your relationship with sex are extremely important.
So there's gonna be 25 self-reflection journaling prompts that are just for you to be able to start to really connect to who you are as a sexual being and what it is that you want and don't want. Step two is gonna be conversation cards. So these are gonna be 25 conversation cards that you can use with your partner, or you can use them with a girlfriend or a group of girlfriends that you trust.
And this is just gonna build your skillset [00:58:09] in regards to how to talk about sex. Some of the topics are scheduling sex. How do we compromise in sex? How do, how do we process rejection? There's also some fun cards about, you know, different positions, novelty, fantasies. But it's really important to start to build the skillset of having sexual communication that is a skill, and it doesn't just come naturally without being practiced.
And then step three is exploration. So there's going to be 10 exploration cards, and those are really focused on getting you out of your head and into your body. And so there's exercises like a vulva self-love exercise that you actually spend some time appreciating your vulva and giving it love and exploring it.
There's also a mindful masturbation process. Practice that will help you to really connect to your eroticism with intentionality, helps you kind of slow down, breathe and connect to your body and create blood flow and your genitals. There's also pleasure [00:59:09] mapping, as well as some other fun exercises that really get your body moving and get you connected to your sexuality.
So those are the three steps of the Sexfirmation cards, and they're a wonderful, wonderful guide to help you create a sexual self-care practice. Because again, like to your point, what you mentioned is that self-care can be kind of limiting how it's at least marketed to us and how it's marketing.
Yeah. Yeah. I love a bubble bath. Same. I love a trip. Um, I love all of those things. I love going to the spa and those things are really important to your self-care. But I think that we're not looking at self-care. Basically, and our sexual self-care is something that we completely have not taken a look at.
It's off the grid. And this actually gives you a way to start a practice that is very, very doable and something that you can do over time, but really build a habit to where you're thinking about sex more often. And what we know is that the more we talk about sex, the more that we're thinking about sex, the more our desire [01:00:09] increases, which is the number one reason that individuals seek me out, is that they feel like their de desire is low and they have shame regarding that.
Surabhi: Hmm. And I, um, I would say that that's very common through the clients that I work with as well. Many of them have low libido, and doctors don't take that seriously. They just say, oh, well you're postpartum. Oh, well you just tired. Mm-hmm. and, well, that all might be true. It doesn't mean that you have to just live with that because you're tired or live with that because you're going through a stressful period.
And I like the idea of the, Sexfirmation cards because it doesn't mean you have to be in a perfect area of your life to start this process, right? You can be in that high stress job and you can have these simple, tangible ways to get more connected to yourself, to your intimacy, and to your partner.
[01:00:55] Surabhi's Self-Love and Pleasure Calendar
Surabhi: And your pleasure. I love this. I actually have right now a month of pleasure, which is a mindfulness practice for one month around cultivating pleasure. And I love that there's actually some similar.
Similar things like I have an [01:01:09] activity, um, where it's draw your vulva. Right? So I love that. Get connected with what it looks like. Draw it. I have no art skills, so it's probably gonna look terrible, but it, it helps take that shame and stigma out of it. Mm-hmm. , because when you ask every single person, a hundred percent of people can probably label where penis is.
We all know where penis is. Yeah. The fact that like one in three women, vulva owners don't know where their clitoris is, is a problem. And so when we start de-stigmatizing these body parts, connecting with ourselves, releasing shame, I can see so much better sexual confidence, intimacy and just pleasure.
Like life is about pleasure. Like we can't starve ourselves of pleasure, you know?
[01:01:53] Connect with Dr Jac, free guide and Sexfirmation cards
Surabhi: And can you share with me, um, with your Sexfirmation cards, where people can purchase that?
Dr Jac: So if you are interested in Sexfirmation cards, you can go to my website, which is drjac.co/shop
that's gonna bring you directly to Sexfirmation [01:02:09] cards. So that's D R J A C .C O / shop. Also, if you are listening to this conversation and you're like, I want more information, I do have on my website five ways to have better Sex. So some of the things that we've talked about today, mindfulness, the importance of having certain conversation, understanding your body, there's gonna be some tangible tips on the website.
If you go there, download the Five Ways to Have Better Sex Guide. That will bring you into my world, into my email list. But you'll also get some really useful tips that you could start using today for the free. Um, and additionally, I love providing information on Instagram, that's usually where I'm hanging out.
So I love your page. You listen. Thank you so much. Ditto. I love your page as well. I was so happy to be connected to you. Um, but if you're interested in following me there, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok, which is at Dr. Jac PhD. That's D R J A C PhD.
Surabhi: [01:03:09] Amazing. I will share all of those links in the show notes.
And what's the best place for people to connect with you? Email, social media?
Dr Jac: Yeah, really good question. So you can definitely connect with me through social media or you can send me an email. So if you're listening to this conversation, and I know that there's someone who's listening to this and has started to feel a sense of hopefulness as well as relief because yeah, there is actually some type of solution.
I think a lot of women feel that. If they have lower desire and they have shame around that or they've disconnected from who they were sexually, if there's conflicts in the relationship when it comes to sex, they feel super alone in their suffering and silence. So if you are someone who's listening to this conversation and you want more in depth support around how to navigate sex now, how to redefine it for yourself, you want some coaching for you, for your partner, you can definitely reach [01:04:09] out to me via email@hellodrjac.co.
That's hello@drjac.Co. Perfect.
Surabhi: And I'll share the link to, um, you offer counseling. Where do you offer counseling? Yes. Through Florida, through the US Canada.
[01:04:24] Intimacy Coaching offered virtually worldwide
Dr Jac: Really good question. So I offer intimacy coaching and so I can do that worldwide and so Amazing. Yeah. The way that I work with individuals is virtually.
So wherever you are in the world, you can connect with me and we'll figure out a way. Um, for anyone who reaches out to me through your community, I'll offer them a free consultation call and we can just sit down and see if it would be a good fit for us to work together. I can share how I can help and we can go from there.
Surabhi: Amazing. Thank you so much Dr. Jac. I also will share the links to all of this stuff and I have just a couple questions for you before we wrap up.
[01:05:00] Dr Jac's self-care, passion and strength
Surabhi: I wanna know about what are some things that you like to do for self-care?
Dr Jac: Yes. So one of the things that I love doing is journaling. [01:05:09] Um, and I think that journaling is so powerful because when you can go back to your past self, like a year ago, five years ago and kind of see where your thoughts and feelings were, it's, it's just an amazing.
Practice. So I journal very often. So that's one thing that I do for self-care. Another thing that I do is work out regularly. I notice that my mood completely changes when I haven't worked out in a couple of days. So that's sames something.
Surabhi: Yeah. I'm like, you don't wanna know me if I haven't worked out in a week.
Dr Jac: Listen. And, and I tell, like when I start to feel irritable, when that low frustration tolerance creep creeps in, I'm like, okay, I need to go, I need to go sweat. I need to, I need to go to the gym. Um, I need to weight lift. Um, so that's something that is really helpful for me. Um, and then another thing that I do. Hmm. Regular, you said regularly? Mm-hmm. daily,
Surabhi: maybe even daily practice of, uh, morning coffee or,
Dr Jac: oh, daily prac. Okay. So this is something that I do every morning. [01:06:09] Um, I focus on gratitude. Love that. So when, when I get up, what often happens and I've experienced anxiety in the past,, it, it's genetic.
My mom, as soon as I call her, she's telling me all her problems. And so my mind can very easily go to my to-do list. Me feeling overwhelmed, me feeling stressed. So when I wake up in the morning, I put, you know, literally my feet on the ground. I ground myself and I just start to. Really repeat out loud what I'm grateful for.
And that is such a helpful practice to me. And so that's something that I do daily and I almost like forgot about it until, you know, I, I really thought about like, okay, what, what kind of shapes my morning? And that's something that's really helpful. And so a lot of times I'm repeating the same things that I'm grateful for, but it's okay.
Always. Yeah, it always shifts like my mood and it really helps me to just remember how thankful I am to have to be in the number in terms of having another day, having [01:07:09] another opportunity to live life, being able to have new experiences. So that's really helpful for my selfcare.
Surabhi: I, I started a gratitude practice like that where I wake up in the morning and for me, it's even before I get out of bed and move mm-hmm.
And the reason I started that is I would often wake up with my, one of my kids screaming, They poop, they're hungry. And you wake up in this feeling of like alert and like, ooh. Right? And it would then get the whole morning started off with this high anxiety and high stress, instead of being like, take a breath and think about 1, 2, 3 things that I'm grateful for.
And it just shifted that control back to me. And I get to choose how that day's gonna go. I'm not gonna let it be choosed for me because my kids are screaming cuz they're hungry, right? Mm-hmm. So I love that. Um, I can't, and journaling is just this week I was thinking about my inner child and what my inner child, my younger self, would be disappointed about.
And it's that I [01:08:09] stopped journaling because I used to journal and I found it such an important way to reflect, and I have gotten away from that over the years. And so literally just this week I was like journaling. And so I've started journaling more just this week and I just feel more grounded. I feel more connected to my thoughts.
So love it. What are you super passionate about? Right?
Dr Jac: So I'm super passionate about two things. Um, one, having more conversations like this. Um, I truly feel like everything that I've experienced has prepared me to be such an advocate for women who are feeling like they're broken and I was there and it's a lonely place to be.
And so the more that I can connect with humans like yourself, who are also passionate about, reminding women that you, they have access to pleasure for giving them the permission to be able to, you know, love their bodies and create, you know, self-love, um, in ways that [01:09:09] we sometimes don't think it's possible, but it is.
So being able to have those conversations are super important to me. And I would also say secondly, I'm super passionate right now about becoming a mom. And so I'm doing the things that are necessary in my fertility journey to, um, create that for myself and so for myself and my family. And so I'm really excited about that.
Surabhi: I'm so excited about that journey for you. It is, um, yeah. It's, it's a journey for a lot of people, right? And it's, uh, I think that when it is a journey, it allows you time to process how you want it to go. Mm-hmm. , right? Because for some people it just happens unexpectedly and unintentionally. And then they're, they're thrown into this, this pregnancy and this motherhood and they're like, I didn't want any of this.
I wasn't ready for any of this. And on the flip side, when you have more time to prepare, there's a lot of. It can be a lot of pain in the process, but there's also time to [01:10:09] prepare for what you want. How do you wanna show up? Um, as a pregnant person, as a mother, what do you want your life to actually look like?
And kind of reflect on your values around that. So I love that for you. And can you share with me what do you feel is your biggest strength?
Dr Jac: I think my biggest strength is my vulnerability. Um, and I think that it's taken a while for me to get to a place where I'm able to share very openly, you know, my own process.
It is not comfortable to show up online talking about sex. Yeah, it's not right. There's, there's so much shame that women have experienced around being vocal around sex that I really had to build up the courage to be vulnerable. And that is a place that. I feel very much more comfortable in now.
Of course, there's moments where it can feel a little awkward, vulnerability [01:11:09] hangovers at times. Oh yeah. But, but I do truly feel that that is the reason why so many women have felt connected to me, because they've been able to see their self in me, through me sharing my story and, you know, stories of other clients that I've worked with and helping people to feel less alone.
So I totally feel like vulnerability is a strength, and I encourage the women that I work with and speak to, to utilize that strength in their own relationship. . Yeah.
Surabhi: We've often been shown it as a weakness. Like, oh, if you, if you're emotional, if you're vulnerable, if you cry, that's letting the other person win, right?
Like that's the message we've been sold. But yeah, vulnerability is a beautiful strength. And actually from your page, when I started talking about my, I had to reclaim your pleasure workshop in February and it was, pages like yours, where I was like, you know what? There are other women who are being courageous, sharing this content, because it isn't easy.
From the outsider perspective, you think it's so easy, and I'm like, it took, it takes courage to share that type of content, especially [01:12:09] when Instagram is ready to, you know, not show your posts. As soon as you include a word that says orgasm or sex or pleasure, you know it. It is hard. It does take effort, but it matters.
And that's why, that's why you share it. And I love that. Thank you so much, Dr. Jac for this time together and for sharing all of the resources. Um, I know that there is a discount code for the Sexfirmation Cards, so I will share that in the link in bio for anyone who wants to purchase that, the go sign up for her five tips because that's a free guide.
You can get into her email ecosystem and I'm sure that you'll learn so much just from following her on Instagram, on TikTok. Thank you so much again, and I'm excited to, um, get this episode out there in the world.
Dr Jac: Thank you so much for having me. This has truly been a pleasure.
